When you're on your own, behind enemy lines, no artillery, no air strikes, no hope of an evac, you don't fight dirty. You do things that make dirty look good.
I am being careful with decisions and what the current next step is. I'm seriously considering the fact that I have a few options to use as weapons. I'm really debating to use them as some of them are serious fucking game changers. It's about the psychological chess game, and trust me, as fucked up as I felt in the previous week, I know that you have been squirming too, good, I hope now you fucking appreciate how it fucking feels, I have some cards to play and some bombs to fucking drop and at this fucking point there are other ways to be a fucking intimidating factor, let's go looking into the past, I can always be sitting on St. Paul in my old spot and be having a fucking awesome time every weekend for the next little while, dressed in my other suit, st. Catherine's I've shut the door behind me in, but if push comes to shove I have a reason to look back, ESP. If by my actions I can fuck with your mind, why anyone that's an old haggard cougar that side of forty would continue to deal with the bar scene is beyond me. But that's your sad pathetic scene not mine. But it's time to start thinking outside the box and not being the caged wolf I've become. I have bared fucking teeth. It's time to look in the mirror and become the kid that never took any shit, the man she met 15 years ago, I didn't play by the fucking rules then, why the fuck should I play by them now. It's time for a touch of evil, mine. I've denied it for far too fucking long, but it's some thing that can play to my advantage, it's a game but being a big scary monster isn't a bad thing at this stage. It's about intimidation, and I can be damn fucking good at it when I want to be. Lord knows I have it done to me. But if I need to be, I can be a big scary man when I need to be me. It's time to give no quarter, with no regret.
My trust level is currently extremely low and I'm not sure why exactly that I am feeling that I can't trust certain people and there fucking subordinates, the next little while will be fucking telling, as well as some of the answers i get,it's been close to 5 years and I don't associate with fucking cowards, if there's any indication of that, there is going to be a sea change. I don't back down from anyone at any fucking level. I shouldn't have to. This is affecting my child and all it is, it's about money and politics, I strongly suspect there is a fox in the henhouse close to home, I don't want to say much else, but I smell a fucking rat, and I know exactly where I might be bleeding from, and I will stop the bleed. This is about my life, and my sons life, that's it, anyone else that gets affected, that's fucking Collateral damage, that's not my fucking problem. My little boy has been hurt enough by everyone's actions esp his fucking mothers. She created this, I will burn down heaven, hell and the garden of Eden to protect my boy, I have no time of patience for politics, games or anyone detrimental to my fucking situation. It's time for war and the war is on fucking standby, that's fucking ridiculous. It's time for me to become the aggressive one, I need to let the darkness reign for a little while, it's time to show the shadow side, the angry motherfucker I know I can be. I'm sick of not being in control of my destiny and this is only fucking recently I have felt this fucking way. It's time to revisit an old freind, myself. Maybe to save my soul and that if my sons it's time to look into the past towards a bridge that I haven't burned. I'd rather wait and see at the moment but I'm seriously considering looking back and making a major decision. We will see how things play out in the next few months, but I can't say I trust anyone at the moment, no backing down, no retreat, no surrender, no remorse, no quarter given, it's time to end the game.
There are bridges burning that I've got no problem throwing even more gasoline upon. There are ones I'll defend to my last breathe to, people that always had my back. But it's got to the point as to where the only back I've really got is my own. You don't trust anyone in this life completely. And that's the game. I just wish I could summon the resolve I had in younger years, that being said the anger and the toughness from back then is returning, thicker skin is a direct result of letting the darkness back in, as is the lack of empathy, this is a war, I'm going to win it. No matter the cost. Get the fuck out of my way if you're not helping. Some of the revelations today are going to be very interesting in the near future. You know what happens when I smell a rat? I snuff it out and stomp the fucking thing to death. The more I think about things, these games all this bullshit, it's playing right into her hands, yes we have bought some time, but the longer this goes the longer she has had to play games and stall, and so we wait. I'm no stranger to waiting, I would have done two years less a day in jail if I had to, it's the fact that it's almost 5 years later and we are fucking waiting. I shouldn't be fucking waiting. In your mind I'm always going to be that boy you met on a street corner playing guitar fifteen years ago and therefor disposable. I don't expect anything less. A lot of people I once trusted have been lost to the sands of time and everyday I count more and more that just fade from my fucking life. I don't let cowards and thieves into my life and I have no patience for anyone that doesn't have the balls to stand by their actions. I'm accountable for mine, why should I give anyone else any quarter when they are not responsible for theirs. I am angry theirs no denying that, I want this to end, I always have, but on my terms, never on hers and not on anyone else's, no matter what someone with a snaked toungue says, I'm quite aware I'm the only one with my interests at heart, and more than that, I have my sons. No matter what anyone else fucking says. I only looked back once my life once and that's exactly why we are at where we are. There's no denying that. But I live my life a quarter mile at a time and that's about the speed I expect things to fucking go. Not this bullshit of constantly starting and stopping. I was ready for war, there aren't answers why it did not fucking happen, soon enough there better fucking be. I do not understand and never will why we are waiting for trial. We should not be fucking stalled. I don't know who or where I am anymore, it's about waiting, why am I waiting? No answers and only questions and the fact that I don't trust the ones I'm supposed because they are supposed to look after my interests, it's becoming obvious they aren't. I don't trust anyone anymore and the fact that all I stare into in my future and the past is an abyss, I have a few minor things that keep me going but all I feel is rage and anger that all I have is questions and a battle plan, unfortunately I'm alone because the ones I trusted to help are fucking cowards. That's ok, I'm used to that, I'm used to fighting alone, with my back agianst the wall.
Current Mood: Lost.
Imagine you were afraid, a long way from home, in terrible pain. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse... you looked up, and saw the face of the devil himself.
Your opponent's wrong doesn't automatically make you right. Most fights aren't about who's right; they are contention over degrees of wrongness.
Fight for whatever is yours even though it means you'll suffer, if you really want it, you'll do whatever it takes to be yours again.
I should have known when I chose to walk this path. It never ends.
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