I don't get you're endgame. You've been a thorn in my side for much of the last 2 years,and basically cost me my last relationship. But when the big moment appears you push me away again. I know you're scared, I'm deathly afraid of you and what you can do. But the fact you have gone completely silent in a moment that actually matters is telling. It proves that anything you had to say in the last year was a game. As it always with you, to see how much damage you can do. You just changed you're tactics because I was at peace with you and the court battle, so you went after my personal life instead, and the people that are/were in my life. You destroyed my last relationship. Thanks.
You did a stupid thing this time tho. You gave me false hope that things might eventually go back to the way they were. Nope. Not going to be fooled. You decimated that idea 16 years ago. We are a family in name only. You never let me be there. Even when you needed me most.
This is a hollow anniversary. It's meaningless. Because you are just playing games. I can't believe I allowed myself to be fooled once again. No wonder I have grown hard, no wonder i can't trust anyone in relationships anymore. It all comes Back to you and I. I can't be with anyone else because you want that control, but you're free to be with whoever.
Or you want to be my guardian angel in white light to save me.... Guess what, I don't want or need saving. I'll continue down my own dark and bloody path and I'll find my own way. Even if I wanted saving, which I fucking do not, I wouldn't want you being the one to save me. I'll save myself thanks.
Maybe one day you'll grow up. More than likely you'll die a spinster. I won't be alone forever, I can always find someone. For now I choose to be alone, it's sad, for the last month of so, you were the only one I wanted, the only one that mattered.
But you've proved yourself, I'm a commodity, I'm fucking disposable. You always have an agenda. We are simply chess pieces to be moved and manipulated. That's it. Even after two decades that's all you're about.
I'm done with it.
I don't have time for anyone in my life who only wants me in their life on their terms. I have my own terms too.
...and all I wanted to do is see you, I held no agenda. I still don't. I'm just starting to not care again. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Once I believed it was you, me and him against the world... But now, more accurately, it's status quo, you against me, because you won't let me let go, even when I have tried.
That's the lesson of the the last twenty. I'm always yours, but only when you want me to be. No more.
My biggest mistake was thinking that you had changed. You haven't. You're still manipulating. I've been manipulated for the past year, by both. I'm very aware of what it is. I can't believe I ever thought otherwise.
Call me when you grow up. Which you won't. See you when we are around fifty.
I'm not angry, not really. Just a little disappointed.
The saddest fucking thing right now is I do wait at night hoping you will call. Knowing that you won't. I'm on you're terms and on you're time and that arrangement has never fucking worked for me. Not then, not now, not ever.
We won't be playing this game in five years. I'm not waiting for you to be fifty to need me. Either be in my life or don't be. The honest fact is the last year you were all but forgotten. It's just too bad it wasn't just me that you fucking hurt with you're actions. There were other people affected. You hurt them too. That's you're constant. You're always going to be a constant in mine and his lives... But the other one that you hurt, that's on me.
I never even should have acknowledged you agian, I think it cost me more than it was worth. Knowing that I'll do it agian is more pain than I can bear.
I question everything, I have always questioned us. This last year I don't know what you were playing at but you were playing at something. It was expected. You win agian. You take everything that makes me happy and makes me feel less than empty and you destroy it. That's what you do.
The only emotion I ever felt for you was hope. I was willing to sacrifice everything if it meant we were a family again. But you just discarded me again. Right in this moment. I should have know it was coming. I should have known this was you're game. This is always you're game.
This was the deepest betrayal of them all, you gave me hope. I should have seen right through you, but I'm always going to be the younger more naive partner in all this aren't i? If you can't have me, no one can. If you can't control me, well... At lest I can give you an answer on that one...no one can control me, and no one can change me. It's about time you figured all that out on your own.
I figured out a long time ago I'll always be the junior partner, you'll never see me as an equal. Just something to control.
If I was to ever choose to go back, it would be of my own choosing. I didn't make that choice when you wanted me to. So, that's where we stand... I'm alone. But I'm still right here the same place I'll always be. Waiting for the moment he figures you out for himself. Standing between you and him, one day he will know the truth. This is just another chapter of whatever the hell we are, whatever the hell we were. He will be told all of it, the good and the bad. I have no secrets to hide.
I may have chosen to stop fighting, and we are no longer at war. But I think after twenty fucking years of you manipulating my life. I'm done. No more. You had an option to be part of my life. You're actions refused it.
Next time you come round I'll refuse you, just like last time. It's too bd the spectre of you is what destroys anything good in my life, every fucking time.
No more.
I think the thing that angers me the most is the fact that on some level, I was just starting to trust you agian, and once agian, as usual you betrayed that. How many times can you stick the knife in my chest before I stop feeling, before I stop caring.
This last betrayal cuts deep because the nature of it. It truly proves that you and you're mental fucking mind games are more important than any relationship we will ever have, or the health of our son. That's why I'm so fucking angry, you didn't betray me this time, you betrayed him.
All I can think about this time is what if something happened to him and I was so fucking pissed off at you that I didn't answer. It's a very real, very adult fear. But that's how much you hurt me, And often... You've destroyed everything else I love, why wouldn't you make it so I'm the Villain and the bad guy if something happened.
...Wait, you already have.
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