I am burning out here as caregiver and its becoming more and more difficult with outside interests to maintian things as ststus quo. Esp when i have a someone who is good with his world as is even if my life isn't as comfortable. I used to think as long as rent was paid and food was in fridge and his needs were met that could be enough for me but its becoming something that i am being taken advatage for constantly.
I have other interests and responsiibilties out there that have to be taken into consideration in the long run and the longer i ignore them the longer i will be miserable and feel trapped in my own situation. I tend to get to a point where ill drop everything and fucking move on. Im seriously getting to that point agian.
There is a glitch in the matrix and its not a comfortable level of misery anymore. I can't continue to stay and remain at status quo. I have other interests and things in ny life i could be. I could be elsewhere. This wasn't the expectation in my life at this moment.
I cannot continue to be angry and frustrated by the things i can't control. And being ignored and disrepected by the things i am attempting to control isnt helping either. I cannot do this all alone and when I'm asking for help and its falling on deaf ears it has me considering other options. Its going to be a long road no matter which way i go about it. But i cannot continue to have it be status fucking quo.
Im getting real sick of a lot of people in mh life that don't respect me and my personal peace which has been disrupted is worth more than that. I will very easily walk the fuck away from drama and bullshit. That includes everyone. No one is that fucking special to remain in my life if they are bringing more drama than i need into it. That includes her.
I am very good at staying in the shadows and simply no longer fucking caring. Ive done it before. More than once. Easy enough to do it agian.
Unlike most of the times i get fed up and move on from everyone this time i am fucking wondering where i should go. And if what was best for me was the original instinct. I spent two years in niagara alone. Maybe thats the best place for me. Im sick of some of those in mysupport circle abandoning me when i might actually neef them. Its why i do things on my own. Because you cant ever trust anyone not completely. Ive tried. It just doesnt work out.
I have other prioroties that will always come first. But it feels like i am slamming my head agianst a door on all fronts and just making my mental health and physical health worth to be there for other people.
All i am simply trying to do these days is not be angry. But external and internal factors in my life are making that very difficult to do these days. Im not going to depressed and status quo forever either. I have better thing to do with my fucking life. And it seems like right now everything that is or once was important to me in this life is falling apart as is my mental health.
I have a decesion to make. One that goes back to college and another lifetime. Another mistake. I need to get my head around that moment. No more distractions. I have to do the thing that is right for me in this moment. I'm pretty broken and i need to decide what is next instead of waiting for whatver comes next. I can't keep waiting for sonething in this world to change. I need to do it myself.
Im not sure the next step makes sense either. I just know that i have to attempt it because i made a promise to myself. Its not going to fucking matter if i can pull it off or not. It just has to happen because at the end of the day I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and say i fucking tried. There is no illusions here that anything will change. But this is the last moment i plan to put effort into the situation.
I don't need anyones drama. Including hers. I have to make a decision very soon that will affect everyone in my life that i still care for. I have to make that decision for me and i am not sure either direction is the correct one. This is one last window based on a promise years ago. And i dont know if i have the energy to continue with wishful thinking and pipe fucking dreams past this moment.
I'm not sure i have the energy to deal with anyone anymore. I am starting to feel like the best moments of my life have been when i was on my own being a lone wolf and not accountable to anyone. I'm definetly feeling like a lot of my contributions to a lot of people were taken for fucking granted. I need to account for that. I think i need to account for myself and what i want and need in this life than trying to please others. And i think i have enough of my own drama that I'm trying to work out and deal with that i don't need to be dealing with others and their emotional bullshit. I have plenty of my own and all i want to do right now is abandon all of my responsibilities and start over somewhere new. Without anyone or anything. It worked before.
I know thats fucking unrealistic but thats currently on my mind. I feel trapped and boxed in. Story of my life. Four walls and a funeral. But this is an honest assesment that regardless of any attempts to fucking improve shit it doesnt seem that anything is getting better and its always going north and not improving and it keeps falling upon my shoulders. I cant carry the weight of the world for everyone i supposedly care about only to be constantly disapointed when expectations are constantly being let the fuck down. I cannot carry everyone that needs me psychically and emotionally constantly. Im watching people fade the fuck away that are or were important to me because status quo is maintained.
I need to decide for me what the next step is going to be. Because whatever is happening right now needs to change, or I will.
I don't like the person I'm Becoming.
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