Walk.

The respect level has changed. Certain relationships will be evaluated closely to see where I remain with them. This has been the summer of hell and while I am enjoying myself it is skirting the line of being comfortable and being dangerous. I like being dangerous but I am concerned that I am only a fair weather freind to people that continually use me for their own agendas. And others that just use me for their own amusement. 

I don’t need to be any ones life that doesn’t respect me or treats me like an acquaintance most of the time. I get really frustrated when my words fall on deaf ears. No one listens to me. So I’m supposed to do everything? Not when people don’t listen or bother with me. 

It hurts that a trusted freind has treated me like a peon this month. And it shows how our lives are diverging. It’s frustrating that he has made promises he doesn’t follow thru on. However I am used to it. Everyone disappoints me eventually. It comes as no surprise that I’m much lower on the scale in terms of rank in his life than I used to be. 

I’m feeling a little betrayed for many, many things. But that’s par for the course. I listen to others and take them at their word when they are full of false promises.

I do that enough with someone I love dearly but I know she doesn’t respect me. If I’m treated like a fair-weather freind, I’m going to act like a fucking fair-weather freind. 

I don’t feel very respected by a lot of people for a bunch of reasons. And I have been high Alert and paranoid about my every action, when I was supposed to be enjoying myself. But things got in the way… 

I made it work because I create miracles and moments in this world that are amazing. But I feel like it was all for naught. I also feel like that of late I have been used more the nasty violent dark side that remains of anything pure within my soul. I’m not revisiting him much.

I’ll walk away first. I’ll esp walk away from people that don’t respect me. A lot of people and my relationships with them are being reevaluated and I’m pretty sure I’m going to die alone anyways so I might as well have fun on my way to scorch the earth behind me. 

Men like me don’t get love, we don’t get friends. We just get used. Over and over and over again. I think this time is the last fucking straw. 

I am not an option in anyones life. And I will escape from their lives with no remorse and an uncaring attitude if I am made to feel like I am worthless. 

At the end of the day all I am is angry and depressed and I don’t like feeling either of these emotions so I will walk the fuck away to protect my mental health. And those that I truly care about. Sadly, there’s one less person in this world recently that I care about. And maybe that’s sone food for thought in terms of revaluation relationships with a lot of people that are simply in orbit in my life. 

I cannot be associated with anyone that disrespects me or my family. I’m playing anymore politics with anyone. I just want peace in my life and i haven’t felt like I had a lot of that recently. I don’t need chaos in my life. 

I just had someone I was close to die. And feeling maneuvered or manipulated by others is ridiculous. I’ll just withdraw and be alone by myself. My adventures and life don’t depend on anyone. I will just do the normal thing and move on while distancing myself from anything toxic in my life. Even when I feel that I was toxic myself.

I just want peace. And I want those I care about or once cared about to have happiness and peace in their lives. Even if I’m not a part of their lives. 

But I’m not going to be disrespected constantly by those I care about either. I will fuck you off and never speak to you again.  I have done it before. I will do it again. 

I am going to withdraw and focus on what’s most important to me. For my own mental health I have to do this. I have allowed myself stretched thing by others outside interests and I am feeling a little thin around the edges.

No one, including the mother of my child makes me this sad and depressed and feeling betrayed. I did nothing wrong. But that doesn’t matter does it. I will always be the villian and I will always be blamed. Guess what, I’m good with that. I do have a dark side and it’s anger and I’m very aware of it. I’m just trying to find peace.

I don’t care who falls away on my journey at this point. Because everyone has. All I know is that everyone in my life eventually falls away either by my actions or theirs and I need to re-evaluate where everyone stands in terms of my life and my mental health right now. 

I know I’ve made mistakes and I keep going into the same patterns and it’s not always a bed of roses. But that’s my life. It’s a miserable fucking situation. I can’t always promise it will be glorious. It will be an adventure. 

I’m just frustrated by everyone and everything in my life right now. And some peoples actions I am either close to or I am obligated to, have me considering what the next step is.  

I don’t know the next step I just know I have to be fucking proactive about fixing the things that are constantly wrong in my life and if that means some bridges are burned. I’m ok with that. But it’s time to figure out the next fucking step. I can’t keep burning out and be forced to suffer because someone else is “comfortable.” It’s already cost me way too much. But at the end of the day, that’s the issue isn’t it? 

I can’t continue to be constantly depressed about my life and trying to improve it. I need to step away from all the problems and make a big decision on the next step instead of allowing my life to fucking continue as a status quo with all the damage involved. 

I have to change how I deal and react to people instead of catering to one’s particular wants. I service his needs and we do shit. But it’s cost me at least one freind so far and I suspect that there will be more to come.  I cannot keep living like this because at the end of the day I do have fucking options and he does not. 

I understand the behavioral limitations as well but when I have hurt someone close to me because of things he doesn’t tell me it’s awful to consider that this will be status quo for the rest of my fucking life. I have to reconsider. 

There are a lot of changes coming in my life. And I always have fucking options. It’s merely whether I chose to act upon them. The future is a little less brighter than it used to be. And I have to take that into consideration but I’m not doing anything rash because of want or need. But some things need to change. And maybe other things need to stay at the current status quo of the last few weeks. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be arms length to a lot of moments I was once close to. I have responsibilities whether or not I like them or not. And whether or not they affect me and other negatively or not. I will just attempt to do the right thing and keep the drama contained.