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Summer Of Hell.



This hasn’t been a good summer. It’s started off bad and continued to be bad all summer. Sone of those choices are mine and some of it is just the usual damage. I was hoping this would be a better year but instead it has all fallen apart. I don’t even know if it’s worthwhile for the next move.  I just want to deal with the things I need to deal with and fade the fuck away to the next move. I don’t even know where I stand and I feel like I’ve hurt a good friend and I need to address some shit in my life or fade the fuck away myself. I feel broken from the events of this summer and I’m not sure the next step. 


I can’t always care when others show their behaviours towards me in negative ways. And I can and will walk away from anything that is a fucking threat to my existence. At this point I am burning out and being blamed for something, I need to make some hard and fast decisions and possibly move on for my own mental health. I’ve allowed myself to be in a repeating pattern for so long and I have allowed it that I need to seriously consider if I’m willing to continue to allow it. 


I need to decide what is best for my mental health and put things in place to protect those I care about even if I am very angry at them right now. I’m not sure who I am angrier at but they both as well as myself hold some blame and I feel horrible. But what’s done is done and now it’s just about rectifying the situation. 


Even in the darkness we had some fun but I have to focus on the next step and the next option. Like many times before me when I am faced at this crossroad I have zero direction to go into. 


I have to consider the next step because of promises and to continue this status quo of me doing everything is ridiculous. I am burning out and being treated like a peon and it needs to stop. It and the fact I have to do everything is starting to heavily burn me the fuck out. The respect level has still not changed and if anything has gotten seriously fucking worse. I’m not enjoying myself and I have other considerations out there. I’ll never duck any of my responsibilities but this one is and has affected other people other than me and cost me at least one freind. Probably more when it’s all said and done. 


Me making other decisions won’t change the responsibilities here I will just be adjacent to it. I am trying to live a life of peace and zero drama and this summer has been anything but drama. 


As long as one’s needs are usually taken care of it’s like I don’t fucking matter. I’ve stopped buying things for myself and just maintaining things and going away to have private time for myself at concerts and shit. But even all that is breaking down and it’s going to be at least a month before I can do that. 


I’m sick of selfish people in my life and I will walk away from all of them and do my own thing. I have before. I will again. I’m almost 50 years old. I am not dealing with drama for the rest of my life.


When I’m nostalgic for living on parliament street all by lonesome without drama or bullshit a lifetime ago. That should tell you something. That was before the girl, before the kid, before my education. But I was alone and could maintain my life. Here, I just exist. As long as another needs and more importantly wants are met. I’m inconsequential. That needs to fucking change. Or I will.  

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