Necessary Evil II

There are things in my life i don't like and some peoples expectations of me are sometimes enough to set me on an even darker path than the one I am already on, sometimes when that happens i lash out in anger and wrath, that Is the person I am, i have so much bottled up and under control that when something happens that I can control in terms of relationships i do tend to go for the knee jerk reaction of standing alone and telling everyone else to fuck off... at this late stage of the game i don't have much need for emotional turmoil or bullshit and sometimes words cut deep and people don't realize just how deep. I know I am guilty of it too. but it is who I am, while I apologize for my actions and reactions, I will not apologize for who I am.. i have things in my life I hate but they are necessary evils until everything at the end of the game is done.... I fucking hate all this plastic shit cluttering up my house and i hate even more that my housekeeping skills suck.... one wonders if maybe it is time for all these material things once gone to stay gone and i should be more careful with what I want and what i choose to buy and own... maybe more money should be spent on guitars and tattos and future planning than trying to just have more materialistic crap that i will eventually lose interest in.. like these fucking transformers... the reality is he will have more interest in his Ouya his uncle bought for me as a christmas gift and his various nintendo's and portable than any toy i can give me at age 10 or 11...it's time to reeavulate these things and take care of myself and be a better person so i can be a better dad to him... it's time to be resolute and finish things and change some of my bad habits...being a better person is part of that.

Current Mood: Angry, Sad.
He is a man of courage who does not run away, but remains at his post and fights against the enemy.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

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