Skip to main content

The Real Me....


I have been on my own for 20 years this summer and I have always tried to do the right thing and my life is still a giant ball of fucking shit... It's time to finish what i have started with the battle and strife of the last years for me.. not for anyone else..not for anyone but him, This is only about him, not about about her, not about me, not about my family member's who are willing to help but with a side order of guilt, my choices are my own and this fight is my own... I am my own own, I fucking hate this crappy job selling this garbage pieces of fucking plastic... but right now it's all i have it's what is paying and fueling the legal bills... This isn't about about saving my soul or my future... both of those have already been fucking written, it's about his soul... and I know that This war, this war that started when i was Eight years old, and only Intensified when he was Seven Win or Lose it has to end, that Is the only thing important to me.. if you don't like what you see when you pull back the curtain and see my shitty fucking life.... then obviously you never knew me... we all make choices, I have made my choice to stand and fight and not run away... There are things i may do that people i care about may not like... but they are a part of my personality and who I am, they are little things that help my sanity from completely crumbling. I am almost 38 years old, I have been an adult man since seventeen, My choices are my Own, MY life is my own, and when everything else i have in this life has been stripped and stolen from me, I will continue down my own chosen path, the only person that can and will make all of this right is me... and I'll do it alone without your support If i Have to... i wouldn't be the first time... A man stands.. A man fights... How long has it been for you.... of all the people in the world, you taught me that... I'm sorry I can't be perfect and have my life in order, But survival and paying the bills to fight this unholy crusade for the mental well being, welfare and future of my child is the only thing that matters... if that means that parts of my life are crumbling away, well shit happens.. I have my choice, I have drawn a line in the fucking sand... I have no intention of backing away from my chosen path and my course in this life, I apologize for my freinds and my habits, but they are my life... Let me live, Let me stand and fight, Let me Be who i am without judgement, Or walk the Fuck away... this goes for all of you....

Current Mood: Sad.
Current Music: W.A.S.P. The Crimson Idol.
No one just starts giggling and wearing black and signs up to become a villainous monster. How the hell do you think it happens? It happens to people. Just people. They make questionable choices, for what might be very good reasons. They make choice after choice, and none of them is slaughtering roomfuls of saints, or murdering hundreds of baby seals, or rubber-room irrational. But it adds up. And then one day they look around and realized that they're so far over the line that they can't remember where it was.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more