Skip to main content

Pride III: Regret.


I think the thing that bothers me most is the fact I provided for someone else's family when my own needed me most and I was cast aside when the money ran out. If I had been upfront and honest about things five or six years ago I almost wonder what the end result would have been. I have always regretted not buying you you're ring in that moment, or trying to make peace and amends. Anger and bitterness are horrible things and always come back on you a thousandfold.... But I wasn't ready I guess. I guess I needed to have the experiences I did before my world would make sense.

I just know I don't want anyone else's family but mine and I don't want to be anyone else's father but his. I tried that. It didn't take. I was used and thrown away like garbage after sacrificing everything I was at the fucking time. I have no interest in going back to that with anyone.

I hate the fact that I am a proud man when I could call or text this last Saturday night and see how you're doing, but because you're ignoring me I'm choosing my moments carefully because I don't want to be a nuisance, or ever make you seriously angry at me agian, I have had enough of that in my life. I'd rather suffer in silence, it's probably what's best for us.

When I need to make my move I will. It won't be long. I just need a few more seconds.

Current Mood: depressed


Current Music: Civil War, GNR

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more