Skip to main content

Pride V: Doubt

I have faith in us, I have no idea why I still do. I shouldn't. Right now all I am is full of worry for you, i just hope you're not doing too much damage to yourself and our son with your choices... This world scares the living hell out of me right now as does my plan for what I'm up to in the next two weeks... Once it's done, it's done. There will not be any taking it back this time. I made that mistake once before not having it ready for you when it was needed, now it always will be.

But I can't say I'm not scared of it.

There are times I think I'm insane for my course of action currently. But you know me, when I set my mind to do something, I usually accomplish it, no matter the risk or the personal cost. I always rush headlong into things. I either win or I lose. This time I am aiming to win. I want you to know you are loved eternally.

I don't have anything but love for you left, I don't ever want the anger and hate to return. The time for that has passed. All I have right now is concern. I do think that one day the dark things might return if I am too aggressive instead of patient so I am taking the slow path for once instead of trying to accelerate everything in an attempt to force you to love me, I already know you do. That's enough for me.

I won't beg for you're hand, and I have done this all alone on me. No begging or borrowing from my friends or family. Just my own power. It had to be that way. It's always been that way. It's one of my biggest sacrifices in recent memory but it's fucking important to me.

This thing has always meant more to me than a lifetime of junk. I'm sick of material things, I think I'd like to travel and do interesting things rather than continue to own useless crap. I want adventures, i want them with you and him, I want to go somewhere exotic with you and sit in the sun. I want when the world is back to normal to take you to dinner like I used to. I want to hold you at a concert and listen to the music we like...

But all that scares me, I constantly worry that even at this point I won't be enough. I've always lived my life by my rules, my code. Up until now it has been enough. Once you came back into my life, not so much. I'm just afraid next time I will disappoint you agian.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more