Skip to main content

The Lost Christmas Eve.

This year was going to be different, I tried so hard to be there this year. At least my true emotions are on my sleeve and there are no illusions in my part about where my heart stands anymore. I know where I belong, it's just about being let back in. I want to come home, to my true home.

Trust me I know why the holidays esp. xmas are complicated for us... But it's also the time I miss you both the most in this life. I just want one more with you, that's my only Christmas wish. You know what the original plan was, I really wanted to do that this year.

I can't even get angry over missing you and him this year. You've made it clear how disposable I am, and how little I fucking rank in yours and his life unless you need me. You replace me like I'm yesterday's toy. You're right of course... I am the ghost of Christmas past twenty years ago. Back when I thought we had a future together. Back when I saw my future in you're eyes.... It's too bad that future became fucking Skynet.

One day I will grow cold agian. I just want to have hope for this holiday, because we are a family. Even if it's estranged. I'm used to that. But I'll always be here.

I will always try to fix things because that's preferable to the alternative and I made myself a promise to never go to war with you agian, that's not what I want. It's not worth losing both our souls agian. I'd rather be alone in silence than ever fight you agian. I had to tear my heart out once to do it. I'll make my big play and fade into the sunset I'd I have to. It's not what I want in my heart. But I'm not going to fight anymore

I'm having a really hard time without you this holiday, I was hoping to have you're gift for Christmas... But I think I needed today to seal the deal cash wise.  I want you to be happy and have everything you dream of. I worked very hard to get to this point.


Everything has changed and I just want the opportunity to tell you if you call tonight... But I don't know if you will.

I am hurting, more than I expected to this holiday. I love and miss you both so very much. I had a different plan for Christmas. I was hoping you did too.


Always winter but never Christmas.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...