Skip to main content

Pride IV: Alone.


I don't ask for help for the things you need. I usually do it alone. This fucking time I had to do it alone and without anyone else's help. I have something to prove even if it leads nowhere at this moment in time. It has to be done and it has to be done by me standing alone and without help.

I made myself a promise a long time ago. I will see it fulfilled. I am always better when I have a fucking goal. You are the goal this time.

I made mistakes. One of my biggest ones has been being too proud to provide for us by using my disability to gain an advantage. I had to hit rock bottom and lose everything to abandon that fucking pride. I should have done it years ago when I was in Thorold. Things would have been different.

I think that's one big reason my first choice with disability is making sure that one day we will have that option. It's not something I've been able to do easily since 2003. I'm doing it now. I feel it's important.

I wake up every day hoping today is the day I hear you're voice agian, and ending up disappointed when it's not. Hopefully one day it will be and I will wake up beside you agian. That's alli want, you in my arms.

But before that happens, I need to make this happen. It's something I have to do. For Myself.

I worry about you and you're life choices every single fucking day, esp in this fucking pandemic, you're right about one thing. I do not know what the hell I would ever do if I lost you... That's why I'm going first....

...but I don't know where I stand right now so I'm standing alone and doing things for my mental health and my mental health only. If it means you come around one day that's fine. It'll be here. But I'm doing it because I need to. I have something to prove to myself.

I don't have anything left to prove to you. I never did. But I do worry every day about where I stand with you... Even when I'm standing alone...without you.

This depression I have about you constantly fucking sucks. Twenty years on and I still wonder what you're doing all the time. I miss you even when I shouldn't. I forgive you for the worst betrayals when I know I shouldn't.

For some reason you are the one person my scorched earth policy of walking away from has never fucking worked... Maybe you are my soulmate... More likely you're my eternal damnation.

The fact you count on me to always be here.... What about the one day I'm not?

In you're mind I'm always going to be the junior partner and you always need to be the one in control... Have you fucking met me? I don't do control. I am out of control. I always have been.

Current Music: Time to kill, Alice Cooper


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...