Skip to main content

Pride IV: Alone.


I don't ask for help for the things you need. I usually do it alone. This fucking time I had to do it alone and without anyone else's help. I have something to prove even if it leads nowhere at this moment in time. It has to be done and it has to be done by me standing alone and without help.

I made myself a promise a long time ago. I will see it fulfilled. I am always better when I have a fucking goal. You are the goal this time.

I made mistakes. One of my biggest ones has been being too proud to provide for us by using my disability to gain an advantage. I had to hit rock bottom and lose everything to abandon that fucking pride. I should have done it years ago when I was in Thorold. Things would have been different.

I think that's one big reason my first choice with disability is making sure that one day we will have that option. It's not something I've been able to do easily since 2003. I'm doing it now. I feel it's important.

I wake up every day hoping today is the day I hear you're voice agian, and ending up disappointed when it's not. Hopefully one day it will be and I will wake up beside you agian. That's alli want, you in my arms.

But before that happens, I need to make this happen. It's something I have to do. For Myself.

I worry about you and you're life choices every single fucking day, esp in this fucking pandemic, you're right about one thing. I do not know what the hell I would ever do if I lost you... That's why I'm going first....

...but I don't know where I stand right now so I'm standing alone and doing things for my mental health and my mental health only. If it means you come around one day that's fine. It'll be here. But I'm doing it because I need to. I have something to prove to myself.

I don't have anything left to prove to you. I never did. But I do worry every day about where I stand with you... Even when I'm standing alone...without you.

This depression I have about you constantly fucking sucks. Twenty years on and I still wonder what you're doing all the time. I miss you even when I shouldn't. I forgive you for the worst betrayals when I know I shouldn't.

For some reason you are the one person my scorched earth policy of walking away from has never fucking worked... Maybe you are my soulmate... More likely you're my eternal damnation.

The fact you count on me to always be here.... What about the one day I'm not?

In you're mind I'm always going to be the junior partner and you always need to be the one in control... Have you fucking met me? I don't do control. I am out of control. I always have been.

Current Music: Time to kill, Alice Cooper


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact.  You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family.  Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...