Deadly Illusions.

Sometimes i need to stop listening to the voices and fears in my head and deal with only what i can deal with in the moment.. of course having some back up behind when and if I have to deal with something is always handy and I have a good support circle that includes several professionals that care about us to draw from... It's nice to finally see some support at work too.. even when the kids are being the shits it's good to at least know that I'm doing my job right and trying to get them to do their expectations and having the strong support from my employers, i don't see that nearly enough from them. This has been a trying week due to my own fears and insecurities and the fact that someone is not responding to messages doesn't fucking help, i'm tryin to keep things between me and her but if she continues to ignore my messages i'm going to have to fucking develop this into an argument, but that's ok i hold a trump card... She's expecting child support from me on friday.. if she's gonna fucking ignore me when i have something that's a major issue and I am trying to keep it discreet and off facebook.. i'll just message her on facebook and if anyone is monitoring the paranoid ones facebook they will know all about it... which will agian lead to a big argument... I cannot imagine how i was ever with that person, we are of two diffrent worlds and how i ever developed feelings for someone that selfish and self centerted is beyond me.. wait... back then I was pretty self centered to... I had to be. The broken toy and bruises situation still concerns me, and it's frustrating to be having a one sided conversation with myself when their needs to be two parties, no wonder he's probaly frustrated I would be too if I was his age and was going thru this shit... wait.. I was his age and i did go thru this shit and I had similar behaviors... diffrence is my mom paid attention to it... seeing how i'm the more involved parent she probaly just throws the toys in the garbage and doens't think about the underlying reasons... she once accused me of over anaylzing shit... sometimes tho.. the fact that I do is a fucking positive, I'd rather be vigilant than let anyone I love esp. him be victimized.

Current Mood: Tired, Frustrated.
Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

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