I will never tell you the absence of you in my life causes. It doesn't matter if it's a moment or if it's years. When you aren't talking to me or here all I feel is an emptiness inside that often my own distractions don't even attempt to subside.
It's frustrating. I spent years pretending these feelings were dead and buried and ignoring them because I thought it was the right thing to do and now they are all back on the forefront and all I think or know is that you're busy and I am frustrated that you're not constantly mine.
I want this to work and I know I need to take a step back... But we have always been whirlwind and it feels that way right now... I don't know how to slow down with my feelings. That's the difference between us, you can turn it off, you can slow it down. For me it's only on or off. I only have the one switch. I like where we are right now. I like the goals I have in mind. But it's all i got. Either I love you or I don't. I can't compartmentalize it. I wouldn't want to.
...and I've always loved you, and I always will. I can never admit how much not hearing you're voice constantly affects me.
You are my only real weakness in this life And it frustrates me to feel that in a moment you can destroy me or make me feel agian. You know you have that power too. You use it to manipulate more than I would like. And I fall for it every single fucking time.
I'm just a sucker. You've always got a game or an agenda and I don't know where I fucking stand. So as per usual I fucking stand alone. I'm good with that. Because at the end of all this the only fucking answers needed are the ones I give to him.
I won't go to war with you agian. Those days are done. Im not fighting you either. But you are not part of my life. You never will be. You made that fucking choice. Not me. Done.
My life is hollow without you. But maybe that's the fucking way it needs to be.
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