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Judas II

I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up, and gasps: "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone. And they'll never see anything like it ever again. And they won't be able to forget me — ever.

It has been fifteen years since I let you affect me like this and somehow now I know I will always let it fucking happen. I guess that's my curse. I know I will wait for you're hand in mine until the day one of us is gone.

One day maybe I'll make a big stupid move, maybe that day is a lot sooner than you might think, but for the moment I am reserved and scared. I let you get close once again after a year of off and on talking and you betrayed that trust again... I'll still always find it in my heart to forgive you because I want the best possible scenario for us both.  But... It still stings.... And I wish I could consider it delibrate but I know it's not, it's just part of the way I know you hurt and are damaged. You betray me constantly because you don't know any better and because you know my broken and demolished heart will eventually forgive you... No matter how deep you drive the fucking knife.

You are my soulmate even if the fact is that we will only have that in the briefest of moments. There is still something there but once again my trust has been lost and that took a lot of healing to start trusting you again. I'm not sure how I feel right now if I feel anything....

I thought because of the last year things had changed... I thought you hadnt changed and were the girl I once loved... You always be that,but you're not that completely either. We are different people with different lives, mine that you helped to destroy, and yours that sucks while you blame me for you're shortcomings.

All I know how to do is to love you, because I don't want it to turn back to its dark half of anger and hate. You are right it's just passion and it's dark cousin rage... But we feel very strongly for each other whatever the hell we feel for each other....

You are always going to be part of my life... I can't fucking turn it off and you know that.

That's why I've had so much difficulty writing you that letter. Because I know the moment I do there is no taking it back. It will become real once again, no matter what fucking happens because once I put it on paper it will become real, one last time. Probably for the fucking last time before I walk away again... This time for good.

I can't stay here anymore, the wound is too deep. If I can't be with you I think I need to find a new place to be, I think I need to find a new person to be so you can forget about me.

I didn't choose the last sixteen years of bullshit and struggle for us both, you did. I would and do always have you're back. I just wish it wasn't more than lip service when you say you have mine. I'll always be here. Whether I like it it not. I know where my heart is. I know who my family is

Those are things that will never fucking change.



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