Lonely Road of Faith....

For far too many years I have had faith in us one day, and maybe finally, it might have paid off. I am so sorry it took me so fucking long. We just lost our way, maybe we've found it agian. Baby steps. I'm not rushing.

I look back on choices made and I have regrets, maybe I read you wrong. Maybe I should have done things differently.

We do fight, we hold grudges, and I don't know where this is going. I have faith in us but we have torn strips off of each other for years and weaponized our other relationships agianst each other. We keep going down that fucking rabbit hole I don't care how much fucking faith I have in the fact this might work if I let you in... You tearing me apart about things from a decade ago because I was lonely and missing you and needing companionship, that's not fair. If you wanted to be there you would have been. I am done feeling guilty for things I haven't done. I may love you, I may have expected this day to come a lot sooner than it did. I did try to be with you, but I wasn't going to spend all those years in the wilderness alone. That's not how this works.

You expected forgiveness but then give me no quarter when you ask questions about my life, I told you I'd be honest. I never said you'd like my brutal honesty. Just because I said I don't want to hurt you agian means I'm not going to lie to spare you're feelings when you ask me a direct question. You weren't there. You didn't give me a chance.

I have faith in us, I always will. But I'm done pretending that I wasn't alone and hurting for a long time when it came to you.

I was always on the outside looking in. And you know damn well know it. You had the only things I wanted or valued in my life, you, you're heart and my son. And you controlled all of them. You still do.

You are my muse, you are my storm. You inspire me on both extremes, I either have to be in passionate love with or passionate anger, there is no in between. We are either at each other's throats or we are lovers. There isn't any other options for us.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

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