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Weird War Z

I don't know where the hell I stand right now. I just know that the war is over and I have changed the fucking rules to my advantage. Even if it goes nowhere, you know where I stand and what's been sacrificed at this late stage of the game. I never thought we would be here. I never thought I would love you agian. I thought the pain would always constantly hurt and we would hate each other eternally. Going into this new year. I'm not sure where we stand but I know it's a different place than we have ever been.

I don't trust you at all and I can't bear to wait to talk to you constantly. It's not great for my mental health. And the things I need to tell you are all fucking bottled inside waiting to explode. Maybe I should just fall back in love with the bottle, I have plenty of it... Then the pain will go away agian.

I'm just sick of being hurt and not knowing where things are going... The saddest part is I always expect the knife... You are the one responsible for the happiest moment in my life and the worst nightmares in my life. Where do we go from here? Should we fucking even bother going anywhere? I wish I knew.

Every other day even when things are good is a fucking knife fight. I want to fight to have you in my life, I am fucking trying very hard once agian to do that thing. But I'm not disposable either and I can't turn off the hot and cold the way you seem to constantly. 21 years of you being in my life yet never being in mine. I need time to reflect on that and what's really wanted. I want you to be happy, I want us not to fight. I never wanted the war between us and now I'm wondering if the battle scars go so deep that they will never be fixed.

I'm fine with moving on. In fact its one of my best skills, but you remain the only thing ill ever look back for... I did it once, ill do it agian. That's part of why this will never be over. But its not the voices in my head keeping me bonded to you. We have something, I can't define it or figure it out but I know one thing for fucking sure... Whatever it is. I will never escape it, nor do I want to. Not anymore.

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