When I said that Mercy stood
Within the borders of the wood,
I meant the lenient beast with claws
And bloody swift-dispatching jaws.
My turn for the mindfuck. The ring will always be here. My willingness to give it to you one day may not.
One day you're betrayals will be final. I'll forever forgive you, but not myself. One day I'll willingly walk into the mist of the falls and that will be the end of our story. I dont know how much longer I can be stronger when you keep breaking me down. I know I can't trust you, even after I bought you the ring I'll never give to you.
I honestly wonder if the truth of the matter is you want to box me into a corner emotionally with all this... So I say fuck it and stare down into the abyss and let it absorb me. So I'm gone. I've already faced that darkness. I will never ever be that coward. That's the easiest way out. I do things the hard way. I always have. Even if it means the burden of constant pain.
You claim to be overwhelmed but I think it's just more of the emotional rollercoaster that you and I are always on. The difference is that now you're no longer in control. I just took over the drivers seat and not only does that make you uncomfortable, you have no idea how to handle it. Because whatever it is... My last move was honest. It was real.
When you discuss how I have destroyed my life, I find it pathetic you absolve yourself of all responsibility. Yet I can't run away and persue any of my options because you want an emotional anchor in you're life without anything that's supposed to come with it.
I swear this was easier when I swallowed my pride and emotions and pretended to hate you when I really loved you. Now it's all on the table and it feels like I'm being destroyed nightly. Maybe silence is an answer... I'll see you in five years.....
I'm sick of trying... Everything I do... It's never good enough... Maybe because that's because I'm too fucking good for you... And you destroyed the best parts of my soul to gain a legal advantage... And the broken parts are what's left and they think at some core that they love you....
Make no mistake.... I expect you to betray me. It's in you're nature constantly. I'll still only ever be here... Because that's in mine. Always. I will always be here for you even if you do things that should make me hate you. I won't. I don't. I never will.
We should not be standing in any fashion where we currently are. Ten years ago you shot me in the heart and destroyed my life. It nearly killed me. That we are anywhere right now is a fucking miracle. The fact you continue to hide behind the mistake you made and make me suffer for it even you have made it clear you love me and you regret you're actions...
....I will never admit responsibility for something I never did, I looked you in the eye and told you I never hurt our son. I know you believed me, you don't get to hide behind that excuse anymore. You destroyed my life and I'm willing to let you back in... But one has to wonder. For how much longer.
I have never justified myself to anyone. I'm not about to start with you.
I'm not someone who needs to have anyone in my life to justify it. I just want you in my life, more than anything but I'm not going to manipulated into a deep depression constantly. I have other priorities in my life. I can chase them as well. I just liked chasing you more.
But maybe we are just both self destructive and when we get close to getting together once agian we just become self destructive together. Maybe it's a bad idea, maybe it's poison. I don't know.
The only thing I do know is you're ring will always be here. It was bought for you and you and alone and it will never end up in anyone else's hand. I promised you that. I meant it. I'll be buried with it first.
You constantly betray me and still I take you back. There is no reason on this earth I should ever trust or love you save one and you constantly play on that. You know I will always answer the phone for that one reason and for what we have lost together.
I have raised the stakes. I know that's a lot of pressure and frustration and it might just be a simple case of too little too late. But it's done. It's yours. It will always be here. It will always be yours. Even when I'm dead and gone. I've already made arrangements to get it to you in that eventuality.
I may love you, but there is no way in fucking hell I can ever completely trust you agian... Even just a little bit seems difficult some days. You will have to earn that back one day maybe because until then I'm just constantly expecting another betrayal. You're predictable. Every time it happens its just a matter of time, same as the fact you will always return to me when things go sour... But not really, because you're always going to have that defensive wall between us, even tho I love you completely and deeply.
I just wonder how many fucking times I can let my life fall apart on you're behalf before I walk away completely or end my fucking life... I'm pretty sure I'm too stubborn and/or strong for the second. But one day I might just cut ties completely and no longer give a fuck. Which is sad because somehow in all this I still find the heart to love you, but ita not returned, not completely and you just take turns putting the knife in my heart and giving me hope. One day it will no longer be an option for you to do either.
You have destroyed my hopes on several occasions and I have not forgotten you're role in sabotaging my life ten years ago. I am stronger than you, I'm still here standing. Confused as hell. I thought I loved you agian, but I don't know. I wonder if its just another game to twist the fucking knife.
I often don't like you, and I constantly find myself giving myself reasons to confirm why I don't fucking trust you. I may love you, but is that enough when you constantly betray me? Esp. Now that the ring is in hand.
Our son is almost grown. I made a choice a long time ago to grow up to be his father instead of just walking away. That was forced by You're hand. The last part of me growing up was buying you that ring far too fucking late for it to matter. You need to grow up sometime and not live in your fairytales, because I live in our nightmares. Ones you have caused.
I think the reality is you will always betray me. Even if we want another outcome and I do believe that we love each other. But its in you're nature to destroy me. It's all you know how to do to show true emotion towards me. You will betray me, constantly. Its expected.
I could deal with you not being in my life. That's not the fucking problem. The fact that you still think you can come and go into my life and play hot and fucking cold with my emotions is the issue. Esp. Now that I have raised the stakes to show you how I truly feel. That emotion can and will go away one day. It has before.
I am no longer willing to go to war with you. Only for you. But I'm not willing to be treated as disposable and let you come in and out of my life either. I can walk away completely and be happy. I have done the one thing that sets my fucking mind at ease on that score. If and when I do... I will have no unanswered questions, no more what ifs. It may always belong to you. I took that fucking part seriously. But one day I may not. That day is probably coming closer. We need to End. I thought we already did but you continue to involve yourself in my life and my emotions. You got what you truly wanted and now I think you are fucking afraid of it. I always expected you to continue to be a coward and walk away agian. That's the reason I did it. To show you what I'm made of and what you aren't.
You think I have attachment issues? The one true person that I thought I could trust in my adult life has constantly betrayed and destroyed me, yeah. I have issues. I made peace with my upbringing. Hell I even made peace with you being out of my life. Its the fact you keep coming and going that fucks with my mind. I can't handle or deal with it. I thought I was doing the right thing by you. But now I'm confused. You can turn it off. I can't. I will always love you, even when you force me to hate you.
But I have moved past that. The only thing left is forgiveness. And its no longer yours I'm seeking. You have to earn mine. Or there will never be anything between us. Ever.
I can't do this hot and cold shit and be shut out every time I try and do the right fucking thing by you. You obviously aren't interested unless its on you're fucking terms. I changed the rules and you don't like it because you're not in control anymore. Its frustrating that you have to be in control and yet you want me to be a man and fucking fight for you. I am trying. One fucking day I will stop trying.
I grew up. I am trying to do the right thing by my family, both you and my son. You crapping on me all the time when I do will make me say fuck it all and run away. I don't need Bullshit in my life or to have my heart hurt constantly. I was happy without you. I can be agian. I don't have to endure this every few weeks or months.
Ill always be here but my patience wears thin when I feel like a possession that you can have whenever you want. I'm not disposable or a fucking option. Its too long in the tooth and too fucking far gone for that. I tried one last Hail Mary to fix everything and that fucking promise will always be there for you. I won't marry anyone else ever. That much is clear. Even if I wanted to. You wouldn't let me.
But you know what, whatever I do in my life I do like I have always done. On my fucking terms. No one else's. Not even yours. No matter how much I fucking love you.
I wish you could be honest with me. I don't care if You're with someone else. I never have. Once maybe. But I learned to fucking live with it. I just hate the fact that you always use me as the fucking Back up plan. And the shoulder to fucking cry on. You need to be that girl I understand it. You're never going to be my wife as long as you're that girl. It won't work. But ill be here. I've made that fucking clear. But one day I might not be here. That's a product of You're choices. I'm not going to make myself miserable over the way I feel about you forever.
I bought the rock for my mental health, not yours. I will be able to look my son in the eye one day and tell him everything. I promise you that.
I may love you, you'll always have that. But I don't trust you, not even for a second. You lost that after earning it back in the fall by lying to me. It'll be a very long road for you to even get that back. You're current actions don't fucking help. Between the support issue which is so far beyond a joke and admitting that you lie to me every time you want to slut around with a new guy around my son... And then say they are good influence on him. Bitch. I'm fucking done.
One day soon. Ill be done for good. Its coming. I shouldn't be here now.
My worst fear is someone will hurt you or my son agian physically and ill lose you forever. It has happened before. I almost lost you once. I'm pretty sure you allowed someone else to hurt my son and used it to destroy my life too. I am convinced of that at this point in my life.
Forgiveness shouldn't even be a option much less my grand schemes to win you're fucking heart back. But you've always been safe in my arms.... That's why I do it... Even tho I know you always have a knife at the ready to put deep in my back.
I may be forced to acknowledge you as my family because we share a child... And because once upon a time our hearts shared a bond that's never been completely severed or broken... But as much as I may love you... There are days I don't like you very fucking much. Today is one of those day. Congratulations, you've proved yourself to be trash and below me yet agian. Which is sad because I'm bottom of the totem pole with fucking nothing.
You fucking annihilated every other relationship I've ever had and you know that you have. I'm simply a wayward lost you of yours. A broken possession you both treasure deeply and cast away as soon as somethings shinier comes along. I'm very aware of you're jealousy. I'm not allowed to be fucking happy unless I'm with you, but that's only on you're terms. And right now I have the upper hand so you feel fucking vulnerable, and god forbid we can't fucking have that can we. God forbid you look weak except to you're random fucking berates who won't be there tomorrow. Meanwhile 21 years and I'm still fucking here. No idea why, not anymore.
There was a day in July almost twenty years ago when I should have left it as a beautiful goodbye and walked away for good. No matter how fucking much it hurt. Both of our lives would have been better. Well at least mine... But the original sin predates even that... And that's the real problem... Neither of us can forgive the other for that moment in may 2001 much less forgive the other. That's why we will always be broken. That's why we will always betray each other and cause each other pain. Trust isn't broken. Its gone.
I wish I was still at war with you.
I am No One's Back-Up Plan.
Current Mood: angry, sad, broken.
Current Music: faster pussycat, House of Pain.
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.
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