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The Outsider...

I am Not missing Hamilton at all, there is something missing here and i am not sure if that is because of me or because of the fact i walked away from everything to be one thing that is most definitive of my life and that is being a father, it is the one thing that defines me... it has to... but i sit around and wonder with all the different experience in my life what options i had here, i should still be in school or at the very least graduated and doing something more with my life, if i was here i would have some kind of musical endeavor going on more than just playing a fucking guitar outside of a liquor store attempting to find enough money for cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey.... I have had friends here.. they are still here... of course i return and not much has changed but enough has changed, i wasn't born or raised here, but here is where I became a man, it was here on my own merits that i truly became the person I am today, but sometimes even just sitting around my friends here, and knowing because of the actions of another that my destiny is forever tied elsewhere, i have to fucking wonder how the hell that is fair, i will always be the one on the outside looking in, wondering what might have been, i will always be the outsider among my friends looking on their significant life moments without much to show for the whole passage of time....Meanwhile it feels I am fucking standing still... I need to break this path of my life and stop being someone who is just a footnote in the ones i am close to histories...I need to accomplish something, anything... maybe a return here is what is needed, to finish the things that i have left unspoken for many years while pursuing other goals.... but then reality draws me back and i stand conflicted between what i have once known, what I know Now and the battle for the fucking future.... I could have made different choices, I could have walked away, I could have an entirely different set of circumstances, But i didn't.... and i would never have chosen any other way... it hurts, but I know that the path i Chose, the path that made the perennial outsider to the people i care about here was always the right choice, some of my truest friends know that and support me.... and others the passage of time has just decayed the relationship to where our friendships are merely lip service... of course, there's always new friends to make along the way and new adventures to be had....I just wish I wasn't feeling so damn nostalgic... the last time i Visited Windsor It was to deal with a break from work and recharge my batteries and have some fun, this time i am truly remembering who I am, that once upon a time i was more than the path set out for me to fail.... I was someone who was once happy and content, I had a life here... I was Happy.... maybe it's time to go back to those days, those people....It's better than sitting in misery watching four walls and a funeral procession of my life, everything will come to a head soon, but i know the fact the reason i am here for the summer or at least the month of may is to clear my head... to prove to myself that my life is not just passing me by.

Current Mood: Nostalgic

Two things rob people of their peace of mind : work unfinished and work not yet begun.



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