Skip to main content

A Lonely Place Of Dying....

Looking around at my life and behind at the past and realizing that I have many people that are merely aquainteces in my life but as for true freinds that are there in the true moment's of need... they Number few if any... i am starting to see and belive that many in my life are fairweather freinds and when it comes to most precious blood, it really doesn't fucking matter about me because it does not affect them, I'm seeing more and more of this as I reach out and try to ask for assitance from people i once cared about and trusted.. is it any wonder with the events of the last few years that my heart has gone cold and hard... that i no longer feel anything towards most but apathy? and to other's red hot unbridled hate? i have always fought my battles alone, thinking it a stregnth, these days i am unsure.. i more see it as weakness, being myself, the nomad, wanderer, never putting down roots except for the few times i tried have turned to ash, in not so many words, just dusty ashes from the flames... in this life, and it is my life and my destiny, I will fight.. I will crawl up from the grave with my bare fucking hands alone if i have to... but the sad reality is that I have to.. it's not about who I am or Who I was.. it's about the people around me and how so many have fallen by the wayside due to their own lives and judgements... i should have been angrier, I could have been more withdrawn and cold sooner.. then I wouldn't be sitting here... alone, staring out at a world I no longer belong to... a world She and only She took away, i will fight and battle until the monster in my chest stops beating.. and even after that, but the point is I shouldn't have to do this alone... I shouldn't have to do this at all. I shouldn't be starving and angry and expecting anyone in this life to do anything for me. the only place to do that is for myself, people just leave you with lowered expectations and a lack of trust... there is only one thing in this world that matter's to me and i don't care how many sleepless nights i have and how many meals i miss or how many fucking fake freinds fall by the wayside... it's not about them, hell it's not even about me or you, It's always been about him and him alone. That's it.

Current Mood: Angry.
Sometimes loneliness isn't such a bad end after all, sometimes it brings out the hidden potential in us and make us realize of how far we can go on our own without no ones help.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more