Pride II: The Easy Way Out

The worst part of the last twenty years is that I held myself to an unrealistic ideal, I thought that if I didn't fall back on my disability (the ones I usually refuse to acknowledge.) And actually worked hard and got a decent job and a nice place you might love me agian one day. I should have taken the easy way out. Maybe then with an income you'd have been satisfied. I can't even bring myself to tell you that there has been a change in circumstances because I don't think the time is right. It's pride and it's stubbornness and I feel like I have failed myself and those I love by taking the easiest solution. While this may allow things long needed to surface, like the return to my education, I do feel like I'm selling my soul. At least I have choices and options now and I don't feel like a prisoner in my own life anymore....

...just one in my own heart.

I do think if I had excerised this option a long time ago that maybe our little family would be a little more whole. Me not having an income and surviving by my wits was always an issue for you... It's not one now. I always thought you would be disappointed if I took the easy way out.

Maybe one day we will find out. But I don't have the doubts about providing I once did. My life is changing. There's only two things missing and you control both of them. You're rules, you're Timeline. Till then I'm good I'll keep living my life....

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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