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Pride II: The Easy Way Out


The worst part of the last twenty years is that I held myself to an unrealistic ideal, I thought that if I didn't fall back on my disability (the ones I usually refuse to acknowledge.) And actually worked hard and got a decent job and a nice place you might love me agian one day. I should have taken the easy way out. Maybe then with an income you'd have been satisfied. I can't even bring myself to tell you that there has been a change in circumstances because I don't think the time is right. It's pride and it's stubbornness and I feel like I have failed myself and those I love by taking the easiest solution. While this may allow things long needed to surface, like the return to my education, I do feel like I'm selling my soul. At least I have choices and options now and I don't feel like a prisoner in my own life anymore....

...just one in my own heart.

I do think if I had excerised this option a long time ago that maybe our little family would be a little more whole. Me not having an income and surviving by my wits was always an issue for you... It's not one now. I always thought you would be disappointed if I took the easy way out.

Maybe one day we will find out. But I don't have the doubts about providing I once did. My life is changing. There's only two things missing and you control both of them. You're rules, you're Timeline. Till then I'm good I'll keep living my life.... 

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