Pride II: The Easy Way Out

The worst part of the last twenty years is that I held myself to an unrealistic ideal, I thought that if I didn't fall back on my disability (the ones I usually refuse to acknowledge.) And actually worked hard and got a decent job and a nice place you might love me agian one day. I should have taken the easy way out. Maybe then with an income you'd have been satisfied. I can't even bring myself to tell you that there has been a change in circumstances because I don't think the time is right. It's pride and it's stubbornness and I feel like I have failed myself and those I love by taking the easiest solution. While this may allow things long needed to surface, like the return to my education, I do feel like I'm selling my soul. At least I have choices and options now and I don't feel like a prisoner in my own life anymore....

...just one in my own heart.

I do think if I had excerised this option a long time ago that maybe our little family would be a little more whole. Me not having an income and surviving by my wits was always an issue for you... It's not one now. I always thought you would be disappointed if I took the easy way out.

Maybe one day we will find out. But I don't have the doubts about providing I once did. My life is changing. There's only two things missing and you control both of them. You're rules, you're Timeline. Till then I'm good I'll keep living my life....

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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