It was a mistake," you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.
We aren't there yet completely. I feel that on both sides. I have nothing to lose by being completely open to you, but we are both reserved... There are some big conversations to be had and I think Everytime we scratch the surface of truly being together, everything fucking shatters. I had made peace with this. I was ok being alone and without you. Now I don't know how i should feel.
The worst is that I miss you on a level that I havent in 16 years.... That's how I know it's real, that's how I know it's meaningful. But I'm used to my feelings betraying me, esp. When it comes to you, so i am scared of it.
I am afraid of losing you completely agian. I can be honest about that. It does scare me.
I'm good with losing you tho. At least I can be fucking healthy in my own head. The fact you think I'd ever completely love or trust you after all you have fucking done is a joke. Besides you keep proving that you're love for me is conditional on whoever else comes around. I am not a secondary choice or a back up plan when everything else fails. I refuse to be. I'm happier on my own alone, my choices, my life. My problems. You're just one of them. The prettiest one.
All we have left is the war. And I'm done fighting.
I refuse to let you reopen the wound enough to make me want to fight you again, it won't happen.
I almost trusted you again and I paid for it. I have to remind myself that I do at my core love you because it will turn to anger and hate. I don't want it to. I do not want to hate you ever again. Even if I know I cant trust you at least we have some closure. I kept my word you got the hug you needed. You know I'll always be there to keep you safe when you need me.
That's my curse.
But I'll always be there, even if I don't trust you. I thought for a moment there I was starting to trust you again, but you're behaviors proved me a fool as always. It's the slow knife that keeps coming back over and over again. You're not the only one with conflicted feelings. I have plenty too. But I was trying to trust you again, you betrayed that not me. You hurt me, not the other way around. But you'll play me the bad guy as always. I'm good with that. I just don't like feeling used.
This has been a rough year and I trusted you after being fucked over for months by someone else. I let you back into my heart, the place you belong but not the place you deserve to be right now. We weren't there yet. I probably scared you, I acknowledge that. But I didn't see you coming as always.. you're always going to be my biggest blind spot no matter what you do.
But it's going to take a long time for me to ever trust you again this time.
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