The Chess Game: Hope.

This is still a game of many tactical moves,but for once I'm not playing to defeat you. I just want you on my side against the world agian. The way it's supposed to be, the way it should have been.

For once I have Hope, it's all I need to sustain me right now with my next big chess move. I have no expectations but you have surprised me in the past. So I'm going to go forward with the things I plan to do and see where we end up. You are important to me, you always will be. If this is where we end the game no matter what the outcome is, I'm good with it.

I think in the next little while we will surprise each other, even if I am forcing my hand and putting all the cards on the table rather than bottling them up and ignoring how I have always felt for you. From the most intense passion comes the best and worst of us, I completely understand that now. If we didn't love each other as whirlwind as we did we would not have fought as hard as we did, but the time for that is over. It's time to move forward. With it without each other. But I will never stop fighting or trying to be together....that's all I've ever wanted. I wished one day you'd listen.

This game is entirely different when I am trying to play it with you in a positive manner rather than against you. Im just trying to anticipate the best way to do the right thing now and hope it clicks. I hated fighting you with every fiber of my being, I had to tear out a piece of my soul just to do it, I felt this year I got some of that back,but you are always gonna be the missing piece of my soul.

Never forget who taught you how to play chess. I just taught you a little too well.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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