The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner

I have a plan, it's gonna take a minute but I think it's important to do. It's time for the long road to end.

I don't think our story will ever end. God knows I've tried to move past but it's never took. I can't put you in the rear view mirror. It's even worse in this pandemic because I worry about both of you every single day. You are my heart, you always will be.

Things have changed. I just wish you had the patience to wait rather than demanding everything right away. Maybe this time I'll be able to do things ahead of time so you no longer doubt yourself.

You hurt me this one last time... Even after you destroyed my life multiple times I let you in agian and agian. And still you hurt me. The worst part about this time is that you lied to me agian when I was going to make a huge change in all of our lives... I'm still going to do it, and on the same schedule.... But that's because I want to. Because I've always wanted to. It'll be here when you're ready.

It'll be here when I trust you again. That's gonna take some time.

Maybe we needed this time and this particular break for me to get my life and income in order. Things have changed. Maybe this time whether it be a moment, a month or just another year... I'll have everything in order and I can change things. Maybe it'll be enough. Maybe it won't be. But that's for you to decide, I'm not going to change the things I need to do at this moment because I have something to prove to you... But more than that I have something to prove to myself... If this is real... I need to have that reminder every day until you decide the same.

I'm hurting right now, I don't want this feeling to fade even if it fucking hurts me. I'd rather love you from afar and hurt than be angry or fighting or have you hate me.

We are both damaged. That's why this works and doesn't work. But I know it's why feelings are complicated even this long after our initial relationship.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

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