Return To Big Nothing...

2 am my time and I am sitting talking to friends about the current situation and what is going on in my life.. and If i question God for my place in this fucking world... My answer is yes... I question everything... When I meet My maker before he sends me into the firey pit he will Have a lot to fucking answer for, And by the way I'm bringing ammunition....I'd have faith If he had ever given me a reason to.. but when every day is as bleak as the day before and the only thing i have to fuckin look forward to is the relationships i have forged thru the fire and flame of my life, I have No need to have Faith In anyone By myself, My freinds and My family...There's No Reason to belive that My soul can be saved.... OR any reason to want it to be saved.... The One Sin i didn't commit will not be the one that Damns me in the next Life...but it will damn someone else... but there is no fucking way you will ever see me repentant even at death, I will face my maker Fully armed, I intend to make Him answer for His crimes. I know that it is my anger that fuels me most of the time, I have to see the word in a blood red mask for it to make sense, But i have known peace, but that's something I've found for myself, not something anyone's ever fucking given me.....I may be a demon... but there was good inside me once.

Current Mood: Angry.
Current Music: Within Temptation, Iron.
I caught a glimpse of heaven once. The angels showed me. The idea was I'd kill for them. Clean up thier mistakes on Earth. Eventually redeem myself. Tried it. Didn't like it. Told them where to stick it.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

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