All I have left are the Bones....

It was only natural to want to destroy something you could never have.

The forces of desire that sway man's mind are the forces that will eventually destroy him, while a singular love that roots his heart makes him invincible

It's frustrating going thru the last of this stuff trying to get rid of and drain every dollar from, it is a toy graveyard and while I do occasionally find the odd interesting item it's very frustrating that most of what I have left is a mountain of fucking junk that will probaly end up on the curb, once upon a time I had a bunch of interesting shit in these bins and now it's just another worse less endeavour reminding me how much has been fucking sacrificed of my time. It's frustrating because I know once upon a time I had a lot of interesting things and now I'm moving forward and beyond these things but it still fucking sucks that none of these cool things he ever got to see, that's on his mother not me, a handful will be kept, enough for a kick ass couple of shelves but the fact remains that it's frustrating that every time I do inventory and choose what to get rid of, it's more that he will never have, material things are useless but knowing that birthdays and Christmases the last few years that have been missed were never a problem, it's just frustrating that I could have given him everything, anything from this shit, and she has denied him that. This is the worse part of the fucking year for me but the pain is lessened for me this year, but the pain will never go away. Not until this is over.

Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: Within Temptation - Whole World is Watching

Whatever doesn't destroy you, makes you stronger. Hardships have a way of toughening us, if they don't kill us.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog