I make choices and decisions in this life all the time. Some come back to haunt me and others frustrate me completely. Right now I'm not sure what the next step in my life is, I'm not happy and I'm beyond frustrated by the fact that things are not going accordingly, I need to survive to the holidays and then take a long fucking look at what the next phase of my life is going to look like, I'm sick of staring at the abyss and coming up with nothing, more than that I am frustrated by the fact that tangible things I once sacrificed for the greater good of someone else are not being replaced and all my money and interests are going elsewhere. It's frustrating, and I get certain necessary evils but it's frustrated knowing on my own that I would be more self sufficient and I would be able to take care of myself, sometimes sitting around here all I feel like is dead weight, just waiting for whatever the next step is, as much as I can try and do what I can, I'm frustrated by the fact that I'm standing still. In the very near future I need to make a decision about where and what I want my life to be, but there's a battle on the horizon and I can wait for that before I make any further decisions. But soon their may be a choice to make. Let's see how things go, it's frustrating being both depressed and happy about my current life, it's more frustrating when I don't know my next step.
I'm still frustrated by the fact that things in the summer did not go as planned and I made a chosen sacrifice to deal with things that took precedence but it's frustrating months later that I still have not achieved my one simple goal from that show, and instead have a bunch of my things hidden away in a basement instead of on display like they fucking should be. I have one last gasp at this fucking shit moving for Christmas and then I will display what is left over as a fucking tribute to my kid, if it's the only psychical thing I can afford to give him from this war of the last few years and the grand adventure that accompanied it, so be it, at least he will have a collection of some interesting things no kid his age had access too. It has to fucking stand for something, it can't just be about the battles and the legal bills. I don't know what the next fucking step is and when I see my life and personality slipping away and my world is becoming something else, something I'm not exactly liking (agian.) old habits and instincts die hard, and fight and flight can often be the default behavior. I am really debating where to go. I'm sick of fighting battles I don't know if I can win and I almost wonder if the choice to be miserable is better than trying to deal with the world and give a damn about anyone or anything, everything I've held sacred for the last few years is slowly slipping away and there is only one thing that matters at the end, one battle, one thing that keeps the dark fire within my chest burning, that's it, everything else is just a pain in my ass and a distraction, and when and if it comes down to it, distractions can be ignored, or forgotten about.
I am in a darker place, and I am at war, that's all there is to say, either it will end one day or I will. End of story.
Current Mood: Depressed.
Current Music: Slipknot - Duality
You don't just have people who wake up in the morning and say, "What evil things can I do today, because I'm Mr. Evil?" People do things for what they think are justified reasons. Everybody is the hero of their own story, and you have to keep that in mind. If you read a lot of history, as I do, even the worst and most monstrous people thought they were the good guys. We're all very tangled knots.
Now you see. We are all fugitives. We have always been fugitives from the void. Whatever comfort, whatever power we gain from outside of ourselves diminishes us -- because comfort and power, unless they are won from the void inside of us, are illusions that make us forget the emptyness that carries us. When we forget that, we believe we deserve comfort and power and so are capable of any evil. We deserve nothing but what we make of ourselves. We deserve nothing else. And when we understand that, then nothing is enough.
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