Bah Humbug: 2015 Edition.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!

I'm trying to remember a time when I actually gave a shit about the holiday season, honestly every memory I have of this season is a fucking joke. I don't know if I truly have any happy Christmas memories save a handful with my son, and most of them are counter balanced by the years taken away or corrupted by his fucking mother. I don't have any fucking nostalgia for this season and as soon as it is fucking over, I'll be just as happy, I just wish I could find somewhere in my soul to feel as others do this season, instead of fucking hating everyone. Of course, this season and it's memories even as a teen have been shit. That's it. I remember nothing but misery every December. It bothers me even more that I have had the means the last few years to make other people's holidays happy ones, and provide for the children and loved ones in my family, but I am not able to give these things to my son, I hate the fact I am still sitting on a few bins of stock that would be better fucking served hiding under a Christmas tree, instead I might hold onto them in the dim hopes that one day I'll get him home and he'll have any fucking microcosm of interest in any of this shit, this grand adventure the last few years and I'll that I'll be able to give him is some plastic fucking memories. It's not about that, it's about the time we are missing. There is a reason this season I build a wall around my heart, there's a reason I wallow in darkness and prefer to be alone. It makes things easier. I hope you're fucking happy with what that you have fucking taken away, 5 fucking years almost. Do you know how much it sucks having stuff for him under the tree and knowing that sooner than later he will outgrow all of it, do you know what it's like knowing that I probaly don't know my little man at all anymore! I can give him everything and the only fucking thing I want is him around for the holidays, the way it's supposed to be, but for whatever reasons in your dark mind you deny him that, even when fucking gifts were bought for him. I don't feel anything this time of year, and you are the only reason for that, I'm numb.

Current mood: Depressed.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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