Skip to main content

Control.




The fact I feel that mentally I was more in control of my destiny in prison than I feel I have been for the last few years with you involved In it. This is a far worse prison inside my fucking head. I am sorry for  fucking always loving you. I am even more sorry for what I have to do for my mental health in the near future.


It’s time to walk away. I’ll do my line In the sand this summer and then I’ll bail. There is one last big thing in me in December but that’s not for you. It will be for him.


But I need to walk away. I gave you twenty years to figure out that you could never control me and instead you just continue to try and hurt me.


I may hurt. But no one ever fucking controls me. That’s how it ends. I walk away. Free.


I have no place or reason for any thing to be in any anger towards you. I don’t hate you. But when you behave like this and hurt me constantly, I just don’t like you.


I’m sick of you’re false promises and manipulations, and the saddest fact is I don’t think you even realize that you are fucking doing it. I think it’s just normalized behaviour to you and you’ve done it to everyone in you’re life. I almost wonder if you destroyed me because you thought you could rescue me and I’d be indebted to you. The problem is I would never give or surrender that kind of control to you. I’d walk away instead.


You only want me as you’re family when no other man will have you. But you’re an old crone with money. There will always be men willing to go down to you’re level. I’m still in love with the girl I met in 2000 that was 26 and beautiful and brilliant. That’s who I see every time I close my eyes. But you betray me for men who aren’t even fit to tie my shoelaces. I get it I understand and I no longer give a fuck.


I will drop a fucking freind without a thought to the amount of money owed or spent towards a vacation or an event here with no quarter and no fucks given, for minor insults. I have before I will agian. what makes you fucking think that when you hurt and/or betray me that I’m going to stick around and constantly be forgiving. ESP when I know it’s just you trying to control my emotions or create an incident where I come there and try and prove something to you.


You’d probably like me in jail, you could claim to be my one true love while you slut around until I get out... and then you can be at Barrie to meet the bus like I thought you were going to be when I got out of jail last time. Waiting to rescue me. 


Here’s the thing I will never need or want you to rescue me, that’s you’re role in life not mine. It will never be mine.


And I’m not going back to jail for anyone. Ever. I have a very particular suicidal ideation and it involves cops. I will not be going back.


You will never control me In That way. I will defend you but I will never attack someone on you’re behalf unless they assaults or grevioualay injure you or my son.


And most of that is because you don’t know how to protect yourself or him. I expect you or him to be hurt again because of you’re actions. I wasn’t there to protect you and him Once. Once because you wouldn’t let me. That will never happen again.


I was there when you needed me in 2010. The last time you truly spoke to me I heard you crying. It tore me apart. But I can’t tell the difference anymore between you manipulating me and actually needing me. Hopefully one day I will but right now that is just an illusion.


I do things for us, and none of that matters because you are only about yourself. Yet you feel fucking pain when I move on and she’s younger than yourself. You will always be my number one choice but I moved on before. I can and will move on again.


You can’t keep coming in and out of my life when you choose to or when you need to. The next time you attempt to I might not be there. I want to be there but I am fucking sick of being used like that. You only want me when there is no one else, and I am better than that and I fucking deserve better than that.


You don’t deserve me, and you will never control me. I don’t care how much you claim to love me, you don’t love me half as much as I love you. But I won’t destroy myself for you. Not agian.


I don’t know where I stand and I don’t know why you continue with the mind games when you know that I love you. Forever, unconditionally.


But the way you give this man hope and then take it away is fucking killing me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact.  You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family.  Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...
Post a Comment
Read more