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Familiar Hell


 


We hang onto each other because of shared pain. It’s the devil we know. Each of us knows that the other is bad for us, but we are also the best thing that has happened to each other. 


It’s better the devil you know, familiar pain, familiar hell. You can look into my eyes and know that as much as we have hated each other I will still always be there. You transfer you’re angers onto me because I have the arms of Atlas, and I’ll carry you’re world on my shoulders.  I’ll absorb all the pain for you, I always have. 


You are the self destructive demon lately that I have always been and I’m here trying my best to hold on to you when you push me away, because as familiar as this pain is, it’s all I’ve ever known. And I’ve never blamed you for it. It is just the tragedy of our lives. At least if we had been together we could have fought it together. But we chose to fight each other. And that’s the beginning of all the familiar pain isn’t it? 


We will live in this familiar hell until the moment where you change the chess pieces on the board. Or someone else does. And I’m very worried about that fact right now. I don’t want to have to mourn you too. That’s a very real fear to me right now.


I’m lonely and waiting right now not because it’s what I need, but because it is what you need. You always need my arms and my attention to fall back into. Even if it’s the wrong thing. Because it’s the one place you can find solace and not have the bullshit of the world hurt you, you’re safe inside my arms. Even if it’s a familiar hell for us both.


That’s it tho, the only drama I allow in my life is yours. Because you’re the only one worth it. But you continue to walk along the edge of insanity because at one point you felt I wasn’t good enough, but now you don’t know what’s the best option. So you fall into familiar patterns. Familiar hells that aren’t me.


At least the one we share, it’s Home. I will always be here. I will always catch you. I will always be the most familiar Devil you will ever know. That’s my place. That’s my curse. To love you. Always.


I hate the fact that we are 20 years dead and I still care as much as I do for you. But you are my familiar pain and my familiar hell too. If I am going to be damned I’d rather it be in you’re arms than anywhere else. That’s where I belong. Even if it’s just to burn.


All this pain, is happily endured to have the hope of being in you’re arms again. All this pain is happily endured if one day it means that you’ll be happy. I just think I’m the best option for that. And this time, I’m not fucking wrong.


I’m sick of being the strong one. Whether against you or with you I will always be here. That’s where I need to be, ready to catch you. Ready to endure this familiar hell we have both been running from for two decades. I’m not running from you anymore. I never was. I was always here. You’re the one who ran away.


Sometimes I want you to fade so the pain will go away, and that you might find happiness but I see the black holes you’ve been building for yourself and I realize that fighting to keep you in my life is going to be Hell, but it’s a familiar Hell and it’s what you fucking need to do right now in you’re life.

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