Skip to main content

Summer of Hell


 


Either I’m everything you blame when you’re in pain and dealing with issues that others have caused or in you’re fucking hero that’s going to save you that you fucking keep at arms length for some reason. You need to decide which one, I can’t keep hurting like this. I’ll always be here and I’ll always answer that damn phone but you scared me this morning. And as always I have no fucking answers.


I just expect more of the same on this roller coaster this summer. That’s the price of unconditionally loving you I guess. But I think that is exactly what you need. Me to always be there. Till the end. No matter how much it fucking hurts me to be the back up plan you’ll never take.


You made you’re choice a very long time ago and I continue to suffer for it, because you destroyed me and I know you regret it, and now you’re destroying yourself and you’re making me watch because I wasn’t there in the moment you needed me most.... always at arms length. My stomach and chest are twisting me apart with every phone call like this, especially the ones where I have to be concerned about you’re fucking mental health and my sons safety. I should be sleeping and instead I’m wracking my brain trying to figure us out and if I should come down to save you, if that’s what you truly want or if it would be a fools gambit and make things worse.


I’m just expecting more hurt, and I’m expecting you to be hurt more, and not by my actions. Only by you’re own. And that’s where this all started didn’t it. You’re own actions. But you’ll always blame me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more