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Summer of Hell


 


Either I’m everything you blame when you’re in pain and dealing with issues that others have caused or in you’re fucking hero that’s going to save you that you fucking keep at arms length for some reason. You need to decide which one, I can’t keep hurting like this. I’ll always be here and I’ll always answer that damn phone but you scared me this morning. And as always I have no fucking answers.


I just expect more of the same on this roller coaster this summer. That’s the price of unconditionally loving you I guess. But I think that is exactly what you need. Me to always be there. Till the end. No matter how much it fucking hurts me to be the back up plan you’ll never take.


You made you’re choice a very long time ago and I continue to suffer for it, because you destroyed me and I know you regret it, and now you’re destroying yourself and you’re making me watch because I wasn’t there in the moment you needed me most.... always at arms length. My stomach and chest are twisting me apart with every phone call like this, especially the ones where I have to be concerned about you’re fucking mental health and my sons safety. I should be sleeping and instead I’m wracking my brain trying to figure us out and if I should come down to save you, if that’s what you truly want or if it would be a fools gambit and make things worse.


I’m just expecting more hurt, and I’m expecting you to be hurt more, and not by my actions. Only by you’re own. And that’s where this all started didn’t it. You’re own actions. But you’ll always blame me. 

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