For a long time all I had was the War. And while I remain undefeated it just ended and there was no resolution. There never will be. When the only plan was ever to attack there is no way that a warrior whose laid down his swords can ever truly find peace with the one he was fighting. It’s both possible to love and hate you’re enemy. I know that now.
It shouldn’t hurt to feel this way when I’m waiting for you to make you’re final decision. And that’s what it is. Next time it’s going to be forever, and we both fucking no know it. And while one of us is ready the other isn’t. And that’s always the way it is isn’t it?
I have changed. So have you. But the persons we are at our cores are still the same.
One thing that ultimately bothers me is that you never tried to fix us, it was always me. You just threw me away when you’re use for me was done. It’s still that way. You come and go in my life. I have my doubts things will ever fucking change yet I’m still the one that is fucking trying to fix things. I always will be. That’s my curse. I have hope.
You were the best thing to ever happen to my life. Once.
You’re also the worst thing to ever enter it. And that’s saying something with a lifetime of fucking pain. None of which has anything to do with you prior to 2000.
You do want control. You are prone to jealousy. That’s part of you’re nature. But all you really want is security. And that’s what defines me. No matter where I am you will always be safe in my arms. And you fucking know it and you always will.
...and that’s why I keep trying.
You are fixing some of the hurt with you’re behavior, but I already know that it’s probably fleeting. And that’s it. There is no trust not yet, yes you make me feel better and my energy and actions are better with you in my life, but I still can’t trust you. And that’s the fucking barrier that gets us every time. It doesn’t matter what we say to each other. Its actions and behaviours. Mine changed, I don’t know if yours have yet.
This summer with some of my actions and choices will be the breaking point. I am forcing you to make some decisions in your life. You know what I have to offer. It’s you’re choice to accept them or not. I’m thru waiting to have you at my side. I’m not going to force it and be aggressive and an asshole because I’m not that guy, but don’t confuse my lack of aggression for apathy and not caring. I do. Very much. I just can’t put effort into someone who is likely going to disappoint me, I love you very much. But I love myself even more.
I will do things-on my timeline, right now you are very much part of that timeline. But you and I both know that could change overnight, because it has.
I’m trying because one day I know I will turn cold and an apathetic because of you’re behaviours. There is only so many times you can twist the slow knife into my back. I want to trust you, I want to love you with all my heart.
But we are not fucking there yet.
I just want my heart back, and I will never fucking get it. You’re actions this week have proven that fact. All you want is my attention when you have none. I’m sick of you’re games. I’m done.
Consider it Gone. Consider me Gone. No more anything between us. I’d rather love you from afar than ever hate you. But I need you to be gone.
You are so fucking predictable. It’s always the same ending. Why I let you back is beyond me. Oh wait, I know why. I may love you, but I love him more.
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