Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

When I am being manipulated by people I’m not even sure that I fucking respect in a way that may affect those I care about, there is a good fucking chance I will withdraw and pretend that you don’t fucking exist. I have never had a fucking problem with casting anyone out of my life that serves no fucking purpose. I’m starting to consider this with some people who are merely in orbit.  It’s not the usual suspect either. I’m just sick of being treated like a throwaway commodity instead of a useful freind. I just lost one of my good freinds and it cut deep. I don’t need any fake or fairweather fucking freinds. If your actions affect me it is one thing, if your actions affect more than me it’s completely another. If you hurt someone I care about, here’s a fucking fact. I don’t care about myself. I’m fucking done playing nice. Affecting me is one thing. Affecting those I care about or hurting one of them, I’ll gladly take the bullet.  If you give me a reason to show my fucking dark...

It’s been 12 years and I’m still driven to tears thinking about you. This has been the burden of my lifetime. And knowing that if I had been there something might have changed. This is the sin that earned me damnation. I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I failed your daughter and your grandson. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. I should have tried harder to be in their lives when she pushed me away.  I’m haunted by that night and my absence. I always will be. I should have been better. I should have been there. I will keep my promise to you. No matter what it takes. And you will never be forgotten. One day I will till him myself how much we loved you, How much we still love you. I will always be there for your daughter, I have to be.  I loved you, you were one of the first people to love me unconditionally. I will always do the same for Jennifer and Joshua. I don’t care what it takes. One day I will fix what went wrong. Even if it takes till my last day. That’s the promise I mad...

I just lost a friend. I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel right now. I guess I’ll just treasure the moments we had hanging out and the conversations that we had. Getting old sucks. I’m sick of the laundry list of people that I’ve lost, and knowing I’ll be the last one standing for those that I love most. I am sick of being strong, and responsible. I was always the one fucking up. Why does the weight of the world fall upon me now to do the right thing? I’m not a good person, I just want to do what’s right by my friend’s and those I love. This one is going to haunt me for a while… I’m going to allow it to. 

I am fine on my own. I don’t need friends or people around me especially people that use me. I had enough of that growing up and enough of being manipulated into my teenage years. I am fiercely independent for a fucking reason. No one controls my destiny. It’s entirely mine. I get to have fun and do things on my terms. Period. Always.  Anyone trying to control me or tell me what to do with anything in my life is going to fall and fail badly. Because I don’t do authority, I don’t play nice and no one tells me and my loved ones what the fuck to do.  I don’t do control. And anyone that thinks that’s they can influence me in any specific direction is about to fail and fall. Attacking those I care about? Might want to sit and reflect on who I am, esp in the Niagara Falls community. I don’t care. It’s part of my charm. And I will always choose those I care about over someone merely in my fucking orbit.  You offer nothing I can’t do on my own. And it’s time for me to be doing it...

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

I enjoy the life and friends I have now. The music part of my life has always been there and indulged even when I had nothing I was able to have a metal magazine and a few tapes from the local record store. The fact 30 plus years on I’m still following some of those bands and still having fun with the music scene I was once a bigger part of in my younger years, it shows me that the good parts of me within, they aren’t all gone. And the music that helped me deal with a lot maybe isn’t very nice, but neither am I.  Id rather have a heavy life and look angry than pretend to be at peace when I’m not. I tried to be that person for many many years and had very little outlets to unbottle all the darkness inside. Now I’m free, and at peace, and I can always go to a show to figure out all the shit in my head. And it is a place where i expend energy and some of the darkness fades.  The main reason I persist and endure in the metal and punk scenes I belong to is because there is no drama...

This has seriously been an interesting moment in my life. Being shouted down because I have an opinion that isn’t agreed with. When I’m dealing with much bigger issues in my personal life? Yeah, there’s a reason the old me always stays bubbling under the surface underneath me… …I do identify as a threat. There’s a reason for that. Please test that.  I don’t have any time for fake people in my life. And I absolutely refuse to be used. I’ll walk away. Especially when you threaten someone I care about. I don’t need this convention shit. It’s fun it’s a hobby but I’m not playing the politics any more than I did ten years ago. Period. 

As for anyone that disrespects me or try’s to take advantage of me, I’ve moved on from what I loved for things I love more… i won’t tolerate being taking advantage of from anyone. Not her. Not from someone I once thought was my freind. No one I’ll walk away first. I don’t care if this thing is popular, it’s also an emotional drain and it has its negative aspects. I walked away from money on the table ten years ago from it, what makes you think that I have any interest in something that doesn’t pay a cent and costs me money? Fuck off.  I will ride or die for my true friend’s. But fucking fair-weathers that only take advantage? You don’t live in my fucking world… you don’t know what I fucking deal with every day, you don’t get to fucking talk down to me or anyone I care about. that’s simply not happening. I’m popular sure, everyone loves me. But I still look into that mirror and see a monster. And I’m fucking fine with that. I’m good, you can love me, you can fucking hate me, I don’t...

Just because I want you and him in my life, doesn’t mean I want to give up everything at the expense of mine. For the life I have now I’ve fought, skinned and crawled in my knees for years to do the right thing… I’ve earned the fun I’m having in my forced retirement. However. I’ll throw it all way for just one day with my son. That’s the priority and the plan.  We need to fix this. There’s only so much time left and there is an enforced schedule. I can’t continue to play this game until I’m dead and old. I’m old enough as it is. Twenty five years is the defining point where we either get back together or i walk away.  It’s as simple as that. I want you in my life. But if it comes down to it I can live without you. I have for the last twenty years. It’s him I can’t live without. But I understand and acknowledge your request, but like every thing else in my life, I only ever do things in my terms.  And either you deal with that and wait or i walk away for the last time… jus...

I need to protect my little family. It isn’t an option anymore. I need to be there before something else happens. This is not allowed. If i need to go back to war. I can do that to heal those that I love the most. I have no illusions to what I am. I never have. But I know that all that anger and hurt can be focused when needed to protect those I love. This is one of those moments. Time to put it to work.  I am desperately trying to hold on to the little bit of peace that I have fucking earned… but if it means a good man goes back to war to protect those that I love most, I’m good with that too. Id rather they have peace than me, that’s what this is has always been about. Doing the right thing by them, especially my son. The rules keep changing but at the end of the day I’ll go to my grave knowing that in every moment I went into things thinking I did the right thing in the moment.  I just wish that things we’re different and that we could have found a lot of this lost time bac...

  I never wanted to be your enemy. I never will be again. At some core inside you, you’ve always known. I think that you know that you are the person I love most. We just got lost along the way. We were broken baby. But I’m not the one that broke you. And you weren’t the one that broke me. We just let the world get in the way, instead of it being just three of us against the world it should have fucking been. I am happy and at peace in my life. You haven’t caught up yet. If i can help you catch up, maybe we can go back to whatever we once had. I’m trying, I’ve been trying for years. I made a promise. Not one I’m going ever going to stop trying to fulfill. I owe her that. I owe you that. I owe him that. I’ll always be here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.  I just want the two people in my life I love most on my wild adventures together with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That’s all I’ll ever want. Part of having eidetic memory is I’m forever aware and  haunted by our ...

A hero will sacrifice the girl they love to save the world, but a villain will burn the world to the ground to save the girl he loves. I don’t know where this is leading. But it is leading somewhere. And any choices I make in the immediate future I am making for me and my little family alone.  That’s the way it has to be. She will be respected. And I was never the enemy here. That’s becoming very clear.  Someone else is. I will be there for them, and I will be damned if I ever let them be hurt again. I should have been there in the first place. It’s not a want anymore. I need to be there to protect my little family. Without question, I never should have been forced out of our little blue house. Now destroyed. Id have never let it get into that condition. But it’s obvious with hindsight two decades who the real problems are. We have limited time left on this earth. Id like whatever is left spent with the two of you. This is the last Dance, either I fall or I stand for the ones ...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Harrasing and threatening my child? Are you fucking kidding me, the fact that you are my child’s blood, that has no meaning. The way you treat him and his mother has ever bearing on me and how you and people like you destroyed my relationship with my little family. You should have not interfered. I have spent years angry at the wrong person while also suspecting the root cause. Now I’m completely sure if it. Im also sure that I’m not afraid of getting my metal covered hands dirty. I was willing once upon a time to do two years less a day over most precious blood. Prison holds no illusions for me. If it means I go down protecting what means the most to me. I’m good with that.  I’m going to hell for the things I have not done. Biggest amongst that is the fact that I wasn’t there when they needed me most. But you will not hurt them the way you have the past two decades. I’m a villian and an outlaw, I don’t give a fuck if i go down hard protecting them. But if I go down hard. I’m takin...

Do not awaken the demon within. I know i am the devil. I have no problem unleashing hell. I have no illusions about where I end up at the end. I may end up in Hell, I welcome it. But I’ll have ended up there for the right reasons. I know I’m a sinner and I will never fucking repent. But there’s two things here. I never hurt an innocent and I only went after those that deserved it. I’ve left a lot of damaged people in my wake. But anyone I’ve hurt minus one who it wasn’t my actions that damaged him deserved it.  My problem is that the demon and devil inside me will always choose to destroy himself before he intentionally hurts anyone else without cause. However, I leave a lot of collateral damage in my wake… I’m aware of that. If you’re around me, there’s a good chance you get hurt, or you fade away…  At the end of the day I sleep soundly, knowing I never hurt anyone intentionally and I’m not the one haunted by my actions over these last 2+ decades… something to ponder. Why you...

I have enough two faced people in my personal Life. This costume shit or not I don’t need any more. I walked away from conventions with money on the fucking table with my store. I have no problem doing so with something I do for free. It’s fun but it doesn’t define me. Esp when I’m being used by someone who is attacking things I hold dear and attacking my personal beliefs. I don’t do toxic and negative people. It’s time to be out. I treasure my mental health more than my multiple hobbies and this is one I no longer I need anymore.  I have enough selfish self absorbed people I have to deal with in my real life on a regular basis. I don’t need plastic fucking con people people putting me on as well. And trust me i can read you fuckers like a phone book. You’re really easy to tell how fake you are. And the lot of you are fake with no soul or emotion. Everything I do is with soul and emotion. Sometimes even Love.  One thing I don’t tolerate is hate and racism from anyone. And when...