Skip to main content

Hurt/Heal.



I need to protect my little family. It isn’t an option anymore. I need to be there before something else happens. This is not allowed. If i need to go back to war. I can do that to heal those that I love the most. I have no illusions to what I am. I never have. But I know that all that anger and hurt can be focused when needed to protect those I love. This is one of those moments. Time to put it to work. 


I am desperately trying to hold on to the little bit of peace that I have fucking earned… but if it means a good man goes back to war to protect those that I love most, I’m good with that too. Id rather they have peace than me, that’s what this is has always been about. Doing the right thing by them, especially my son. The rules keep changing but at the end of the day I’ll go to my grave knowing that in every moment I went into things thinking I did the right thing in the moment. 


I just wish that things we’re different and that we could have found a lot of this lost time back. We have only a few moments left, they shouldn’t be absorbed by this drama and frustration. If i need to there to protect I will be. 


I’m starting to understand that you need me in your life than I need you in mine. And I’ll always be willing to be there. But it shouldn’t always have to come down to this. 


Our lives have always been a misdirected war, mostly against ourselves when we should have been united. Maybe it’s time to go back to that. 


I only know how to be a wall babe. All I know how to do is hit things. I only have one mode: Attack. All I know is how to be aggressive and take out threats. That’s my role, thats my job. I should have been there to protect you and him from all this shit. I should have been there from the first moment to protect you, i wasnt. That’s on me. But I’ll be damned if i don’t protect you and him now.


I’ll always be here when you need me. I’m not going anywhere. Regardless of the personal cost. Or if it costs me my freedom.


Somethings are worth just that much more. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sinner.

I make no Bones that I’m a bad person, and I’m someone who has made mistakes. I take pride in being the bad guy, the villain and most of all a willing sinner. I will take full responsibility for all the things I have done. It’s the one thing I didn’t do I was convicted on. But that was my choice, when I make the gates of St. Peter or the gates of hell I can be judged. After all I have a throne waiting. I hold no illusions as to where I’m headed. The thing is people like you will join me there. I’ll see you on the seventh layer reserved for betrayers. The sad part is that if you remained a fucking ghost I would not have had an issue with you. But you had to make it fucking personal. Father Time has a long memory, and I don’t forget anything. You have some serious skeletons rattling in your closet and I can destroy you. I’m already dead, I’ve already been killed. One shot, Boom. Children’s aid won. Nothing you or anyone else can do, can hurt me. You can only hurt those I care about. And ...
Post a Comment
Read more