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Hurt/Heal.



I need to protect my little family. It isn’t an option anymore. I need to be there before something else happens. This is not allowed. If i need to go back to war. I can do that to heal those that I love the most. I have no illusions to what I am. I never have. But I know that all that anger and hurt can be focused when needed to protect those I love. This is one of those moments. Time to put it to work. 


I am desperately trying to hold on to the little bit of peace that I have fucking earned… but if it means a good man goes back to war to protect those that I love most, I’m good with that too. Id rather they have peace than me, that’s what this is has always been about. Doing the right thing by them, especially my son. The rules keep changing but at the end of the day I’ll go to my grave knowing that in every moment I went into things thinking I did the right thing in the moment. 


I just wish that things we’re different and that we could have found a lot of this lost time back. We have only a few moments left, they shouldn’t be absorbed by this drama and frustration. If i need to there to protect I will be. 


I’m starting to understand that you need me in your life than I need you in mine. And I’ll always be willing to be there. But it shouldn’t always have to come down to this. 


Our lives have always been a misdirected war, mostly against ourselves when we should have been united. Maybe it’s time to go back to that. 


I only know how to be a wall babe. All I know how to do is hit things. I only have one mode: Attack. All I know is how to be aggressive and take out threats. That’s my role, thats my job. I should have been there to protect you and him from all this shit. I should have been there from the first moment to protect you, i wasnt. That’s on me. But I’ll be damned if i don’t protect you and him now.


I’ll always be here when you need me. I’m not going anywhere. Regardless of the personal cost. Or if it costs me my freedom.


Somethings are worth just that much more. 

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