Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

  I may love you, that may even be a constant that will never change. But i dont have a problem walking away for my own self respect, mental health and peace. I don't think our story will ever really end. But i refuse to play delusional fairy tale games as well. I like that our moment isn't completely done but we are no longer tied to promises. I know you don't like being in control and you ain't ready that is understood. But i need more than a one day maybe. There is love, there will always be love. That doesn't change. Our story hasn't ended it's just a diffrent set of rules. You surprised me. I was expecting the end game.  I am happy that you are in my life and that its open ended. We will see what tommorow brings. We need to discuss the next option. But maybe its better that we take time and nor jump into anything. You have been back in my life for six fucking years coming and going. Nothing ever gets resolved. We were only together for just under fo...

There is always the next option. But the game has changed... there is a new element... just because there is hope doesn't mean it will fucking remain. I'm gonna continue to do my own thing and you can somehow find me if needed. I'm not going to chase anymore. Not that I ever did. But today is my day. I'm going to enjoy it. I don't know the next step on anything. But I am reflecting that nothing has changed since my 43rd birthday 6 years ago and maybe at this point something needs to. I just keep staying in the same old pattern miserably. I need to figure some stuff for fifty. This isn't going to be my world forever. As usual I'm just holding on waiting for the next moment. There has to be more than this. There is always time to be miserable later. Today I'm going to just enjoy myself and not look back. But I have to make things change. 

I Am Not Someone Who Is Loved. I'm An Idea. A State Of Mind. I'm not there. I will never be there. That moment is gone. It doesn't matter how much I love you. It's Time to move on and stop pretending that there is any chsnce of reconcilation. That's never been a reality just your fantasy. I'm not even angry or hateful any more. All i expected was better than this. We needed an endgame, this is it. Poof. I'm Gone. The life sentence is done. I have given you enough of my life. No more. I will always me there. You are my son's mother.. thats nsver going to change.. but you being my wife? That has to be done. It doesn't matter how much one of us loves the other. One of us is toxic and doesn't live in any kind of reality. Happy Anniversary Babe. I will always love you. I will always be there. I will always pick up the damn phone even when i don't want to. Esp on our days where i will always refuse to fight you. But I am Done with making the eff...

Youve already made me a demon. I might as well accept my role as the fucking monster in the story too. I've embraced being the devil and the demon for far too long. I am the monster that used to lie in your bed. But i haven't forgotten the monster you turned me into. I look him dead in the eye every morning in the mirror. I know what you created and what you destroyed. I wander dark halls of my own volition, but the darkness you lead down is worse than any hell i can imagine. I wouldn't want to be in your head and i hardly want to be in my own. I'm sick of being angry and i'm trying to find peace, but any moment you are in my life its just turmoil. I don't think i am going to be there. It hurts too much. All i have been for a minute is depressed. That's always been your affect on me. To pull me into a black hole even deeper than my usual darkness. I have to make a decison soon. You were my enemy once. You are just a memory now.  But when i slam the door ...

The moment approaches and soon it will be gone. Theres a very good chance when it does i will be giving myself heart and soul to someone else when you don't show up as expected. You'll finally get your wish and be able to tell my kid I'm a deadbeat dad. Because this time i will walk away forever. I won't look back another time when all hope is gone. This is our final moment. Time for you to decide what comes next. Because the other answer is oblivion.  You dont get to hurt me anymore. And i wont hurt because of you and yours anymore. Haven't we suffered enough pain together as a family. I loved her too. But you keep twisting the knife and i need to find my own place of peace. And as long as your in my life i am not sure i will ever find that moment. So i think its best i give you one final moment and then walk away. Better for us all if I'm a faded fucking memory of someone i used to be. Thats who you were in love with. Not me. After this, no second chances. No ...

I live in the real world. I don't live in the fairytale world where you think you can hurt and destroy people without consquences. Oh no, your not happy and not at peace because of your life and you choices. I'm not going to let you upset my life and my peace. I've tried hard enough and watched you destroy enough of my freindships and relationships. No more. I can't live in your fucking world because it doesn't fucking exist... and you've probaly dragged my child down the rabbit hole with you. I have tried hard enough. I'm done. I hope your illusions keep you warm at night and i hope they will be there to comfort you at the end because there is a very good fuckin chance that i won't be. You can only hurt a man so much with your bullshit. I will walk away and forget your fucking name. It's happened before. I have no fucking qualms about doing it agian. I'm done fighting with you. I'm done entertaining these illusions on your life you take a...

Just because i won't fight with you on your fucking birthday mean you get the fucking right to hurt me and yell at me and make me feel like shit the day after. I will always listen and i will always be there for you. But at this point there are other options in my life and im going to fucking persue them. Be happy with your bullshit freinds, Gossip and all that fucking damage and drama in your life. You're jealous that there isn't any in my fucking life. There is a reason for that. Ive made a fucking choice to prioritize my responsibilities and my people that actually care and love me. I'm not going to allow you to hurt me and twist the knife to hurt me. You created a fight to deflect from your damage and drama and why the fuck i have prioritized this for the last few years. This is a pattern. This is why an end date was chosen. Im going to stick to that. I can't keep doing this on everyone of our significant dates. There has to be an end. No matter how much i care ...

Happy birthday.  Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

I am burning out here as caregiver and its becoming more and more difficult with outside interests to maintian things as ststus quo. Esp when i have a someone who is good with his world as is even if my life isn't as comfortable. I used to think as long as rent was paid and food was in fridge and his needs were met that could be enough for me but its becoming something that i am being taken advatage for constantly. I have other interests and responsiibilties out there that have to be taken into consideration in the long run and the longer i ignore them the longer i will be miserable and feel trapped in my own situation. I tend to get to a point where ill drop everything and fucking move on. Im seriously getting to that point agian. There is a glitch in the matrix and its not a comfortable level of misery anymore. I can't continue to stay and remain at status quo. I have other interests and things in ny life i could be. I could be elsewhere. This wasn't the expectation in my...

This hasn’t been a good summer. It’s started off bad and continued to be bad all summer. Sone of those choices are mine and some of it is just the usual damage. I was hoping this would be a better year but instead it has all fallen apart. I don’t even know if it’s worthwhile for the next move.  I just want to deal with the things I need to deal with and fade the fuck away to the next move. I don’t even know where I stand and I feel like I’ve hurt a good friend and I need to address some shit in my life or fade the fuck away myself. I feel broken from the events of this summer and I’m not sure the next step.  I can’t always care when others show their behaviours towards me in negative ways. And I can and will walk away from anything that is a fucking threat to my existence. At this point I am burning out and being blamed for something, I need to make some hard and fast decisions and possibly move on for my own mental health. I’ve allowed myself to be in a repeating pattern for ...

The respect level has changed. Certain relationships will be evaluated closely to see where I remain with them. This has been the summer of hell and while I am enjoying myself it is skirting the line of being comfortable and being dangerous. I like being dangerous but I am concerned that I am only a fair weather freind to people that continually use me for their own agendas. And others that just use me for their own amusement.  I don’t need to be any ones life that doesn’t respect me or treats me like an acquaintance most of the time. I get really frustrated when my words fall on deaf ears. No one listens to me. So I’m supposed to do everything? Not when people don’t listen or bother with me.  It hurts that a trusted freind has treated me like a peon this month. And it shows how our lives are diverging. It’s frustrating that he has made promises he doesn’t follow thru on. However I am used to it. Everyone disappoints me eventually. It comes as no surprise that I’m much lower o...

I do epic things and I am happy. I have good freinds and I need for nothing in this life. I am having an absolute blast with two of my best freinds in the entire world and I hope that I can do this many more times. I live each day like it’s my last like it’s the last for a reason.  But sometimes it just feels good to be able to do so. The fact this was always my plan to end the visit with, makes me happy I was able to be the one to plan and pay for it. I am sad my friend is going home tommorow and that the future in uncertain. There will be another time for moments but it might take a while. That makes me sad. Maybe next summer in Great Britain….

I am legendary and I do the impossible things. I am always going to go to all the things until I’m in the ground. I love my friend’s and I love showing them how epic life can be in my world. It’s not always great shakes but it can be. A moment can change everything. And often does. 

I am an afterthought in a lot of peoples lives. But I know who I am close to and who k matters. My personality, my ethics and my morals are things that are unchanging. I’m gonna be a gentleman with whoever I’m hanging out with.  And I’m going to protect those that I love. And make sure they get home safe.  I do epic shit and I hang out with epic people. I am legendary. I have things to deal with and drama. It doesn’t matter. I’m having fun and I’m just letting the world flow. I’m having fun and I’m not letting things be any more complicated than I need to. I’m happy. And I’m happy being a good person and a gentleman. 

I definitely have con fatigue. It’s time to be done for a while. It’s ended at the place it began. That’s important to me.is soon accomplish and someone I care about for one of his holy grails. Time to forget about all this for a while and just have fun and be happy with my freind.  Need to focus on the things in my life that are important and have value to me and these fake fucking plastic people don’t. It’s time to separate from all that.  Walking away from toxic people is easy but I don’t want to lose the good people in my life by alienating them. This shit affects my moods. Time for it to be done.  I have epic adventures and friends from all over internationally. I need to focus on them and my priorities. This is another chapter of my life closed. Period.  Im gonna just enjoy the rest of the trip with one of my oldest friend’s and have fun. 

It’s been a long time coming for this return to the place everything started with the con stuff. And the fact I am doing it with my best international friend that I’ve known over 20 years makes today so much sweeter.  It may be dumbledores last dance. It might not be. But to leave it ten years ago and come back a legend? Yeah. This is the way to go out.  No more anger about the costume, no more sadness or stress, no more con politics . Just one more day where I can be me. Where I can have fun being me. That’s it. That’s all I need to be. No more pretending that I work well with others. I don’t. But I’m good with this cosplay all on my own. It’s fun, people like it. And if it’s time to be done I left it the same as I came into it. On my own terms. This is where it began, it’s fitting that this is where it ends.  Im happy and today will be a good day once we get there.  Current Mood: Happy.  Current Music: bottom feeder, parkway drive.

  I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about.  I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love.  Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love.  The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do.  And only one of us has it. 

The bats have left the bell tower.  And another chapter in my life ends. One with more negatives than positives. Same reasons as the last time I was associated with anything other than myself. At least the last time I left something like this I was walking away from money. This time, I am walking away from exactly fucking nothing of value. All it ever was, it was an albatross around my neck. It started bad and it ended quietly. With the same quiet knives of jealousy in my back that had always been there. At least when I’m an asshole I’ll come at you directly with a fucking rhinoceros in a China shop attitude. I don’t hide behind others and I stand behind the words I say. I don’t apologize because it’s a sign of weakness. And I don’t care, because I have bigger things in my life and my world than this. I walked away from all this when it made me money and miserable. Now all it does is make me miserable. There’s no reason for me to continue and I don’t do plastic two faced people. At...

If anyone thinks they can take advantage of me and the people I care about, they are sadly mistaken. I walk away from people I love because of their bullshit. Someone who is merely there in my life? Yeah, I’m fucking out. I don’t need emotional vampires that suck me dry in my life. I will walk away from anything and everything at this point. I no longer give a damn about anything other than myself when it comes to your opinion.  This decision and many others have been a long fucking time coming and to be honest I’m better off doing my own thing alone and solo. Because it’s better off for all involved. There’s still a temper and there is still the old me hidden underneath this attempt at seeking peace. I’m not a nice guy, I’ve never claimed to be a nice guy. And I’m not keeping my fucking mouth shut.  No one fucking uses me, Period. And thats all I’ve felt I’ve been over the last few years. By a number of people in my professional life and my personal life. So maybe at this mom...

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact.  You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family.  Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...

I don’t lack for companionship or freinds. I can be with whoever I want. Why am I going to chase anyone anymore is beyond me, I have a fun life and I do fun things… why care if I have a past that once upon a time I wanted to go back to and fix a fractured fucking fairy tale. I have better options.  I don’t care at the end of the day about anyone being in my life because let’s be honest no one has my back except myself. You’d think if you truly loved me you’d be around instead of playing games for 25 years. I deserve better, I’ve always deserved better. And now when my life is better for the lack of you being in it, I’m not regretting the fact you’ve managed to push yourself away agian. That’s on you, it’s gone from apathy, to anger to nothingness. All you’ve managed to do my entire life you’ve been involved in it is attempt to control me and keep me trapped in a place where I would simply need to depend on you. I’ve been on my own over thirty years… I didn’t need you before then, I...

If you fuck with my freinds and family I will hunt you down and deal with you. Currently Dealing with that in stereo has not been fun esp with it all in my head as well.  I have no issues shutting down and going quiet until Things go over and are dealt with.  If I’m fucking willing to give up what I care about most to help deal with this situation you better bet your ass I will make sure that it is followed through to the very end. I’m a not a nice person, and I’m not a very good person either. I know where I stand when it comes to protecting my family and friend’s tho. I’ll be smart and careful about it but I’m strong enough to take the fall. And I know who to ask for back up. 

When you attack a person that actively supports me being with you because those are my choices and my emotions even tho she has her reservations about it, it’s not fair that you get to attack her and use her against me.  I’ll never allow you to attack my friend’s. It’s part of why we aren’t together. You can’t deal with the fact I have platonic non sexual femaleFreinds. Fucks sakes I grew up in a single parent home with my mom and sisters… why can’t I have female freinds? Because of your jealousy? You play that card I go radio silent. I don’t care even if you’ve put the carrot on the fish hook. I love him, with all my heart. Some days I even do the same for you. But you’re not going to control me and tell me what to do, that’s why it fell apart in the first place and you destroyed my life for the first time.. all that social isolation. And then you discarded me like a used toy. Like I was nothing. Now you want me to abandon some of the people that helped me Pick up the pieces? No. ...

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me.  I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period. 

Just because I’ll always be there for you doesn’t mean I have to like or enjoy whatever this is. A lot of the times I don’t like it. And I don’t even like you. But I love you both and I have responsibilities to you, and that trumps me being angry or upset with you.  We hurt, we are always going to hurt.  You are jealous of everything I do. And everything both of us do is just another fucking move on the chess board. Except here’s the problem, I’m the rook and the knight and I move to protect my little king, but you are sitting there on the opposite side of the board waiting for Prince Charming to capture the queen. Except I’m not wearing a white hat, you’ve made me the villain in your story, so I embrace it and become the villain. I’m always best when I’m wearing the black hat and being the bad guy. But this isnt about me and you, it never has been, it’s about that little king, all grown up. I have to think about how my actions and behaviours affect him. That’s the priority. S...

Why do you do things only to take them away? Are u trying to salt the wound and control me? You let me have a ray of hope and then you break me down to fucking nothing.  I’m sick of talking about future planning and changing things and then you slam the door shut after giving me a little daylight. Just because I’m always going to be here. Doesn’t mean I have to always like it I don’t. I do things unconditionally because I love you and more importantly I love him. But you could never control me, and you’re never going to be able to control me. Don’t tell me what to do when your not ready for me to come home.  I have my own life, made without you. No one is gonna tell me who to associate with. I have people I care about in my life, that have had my back the whole time in the wilderness. But because you are jealous. I can’t have a social life or friends. Every girl is a threat. No. They aren’t. Just because I place you first doesn’t mean I don’t have options or people that care a...

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

When I am being manipulated by people I’m not even sure that I fucking respect in a way that may affect those I care about, there is a good fucking chance I will withdraw and pretend that you don’t fucking exist. I have never had a fucking problem with casting anyone out of my life that serves no fucking purpose. I’m starting to consider this with some people who are merely in orbit.  It’s not the usual suspect either. I’m just sick of being treated like a throwaway commodity instead of a useful freind. I just lost one of my good freinds and it cut deep. I don’t need any fake or fairweather fucking freinds. If your actions affect me it is one thing, if your actions affect more than me it’s completely another. If you hurt someone I care about, here’s a fucking fact. I don’t care about myself. I’m fucking done playing nice. Affecting me is one thing. Affecting those I care about or hurting one of them, I’ll gladly take the bullet.  If you give me a reason to show my fucking dark...

It’s been 12 years and I’m still driven to tears thinking about you. This has been the burden of my lifetime. And knowing that if I had been there something might have changed. This is the sin that earned me damnation. I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I failed your daughter and your grandson. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. I should have tried harder to be in their lives when she pushed me away.  I’m haunted by that night and my absence. I always will be. I should have been better. I should have been there. I will keep my promise to you. No matter what it takes. And you will never be forgotten. One day I will till him myself how much we loved you, How much we still love you. I will always be there for your daughter, I have to be.  I loved you, you were one of the first people to love me unconditionally. I will always do the same for Jennifer and Joshua. I don’t care what it takes. One day I will fix what went wrong. Even if it takes till my last day. That’s the promise I mad...

I just lost a friend. I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel right now. I guess I’ll just treasure the moments we had hanging out and the conversations that we had. Getting old sucks. I’m sick of the laundry list of people that I’ve lost, and knowing I’ll be the last one standing for those that I love most. I am sick of being strong, and responsible. I was always the one fucking up. Why does the weight of the world fall upon me now to do the right thing? I’m not a good person, I just want to do what’s right by my friend’s and those I love. This one is going to haunt me for a while… I’m going to allow it to. 

I am fine on my own. I don’t need friends or people around me especially people that use me. I had enough of that growing up and enough of being manipulated into my teenage years. I am fiercely independent for a fucking reason. No one controls my destiny. It’s entirely mine. I get to have fun and do things on my terms. Period. Always.  Anyone trying to control me or tell me what to do with anything in my life is going to fall and fail badly. Because I don’t do authority, I don’t play nice and no one tells me and my loved ones what the fuck to do.  I don’t do control. And anyone that thinks that’s they can influence me in any specific direction is about to fail and fall. Attacking those I care about? Might want to sit and reflect on who I am, esp in the Niagara Falls community. I don’t care. It’s part of my charm. And I will always choose those I care about over someone merely in my fucking orbit.  You offer nothing I can’t do on my own. And it’s time for me to be doing it...

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

I enjoy the life and friends I have now. The music part of my life has always been there and indulged even when I had nothing I was able to have a metal magazine and a few tapes from the local record store. The fact 30 plus years on I’m still following some of those bands and still having fun with the music scene I was once a bigger part of in my younger years, it shows me that the good parts of me within, they aren’t all gone. And the music that helped me deal with a lot maybe isn’t very nice, but neither am I.  Id rather have a heavy life and look angry than pretend to be at peace when I’m not. I tried to be that person for many many years and had very little outlets to unbottle all the darkness inside. Now I’m free, and at peace, and I can always go to a show to figure out all the shit in my head. And it is a place where i expend energy and some of the darkness fades.  The main reason I persist and endure in the metal and punk scenes I belong to is because there is no drama...

This has seriously been an interesting moment in my life. Being shouted down because I have an opinion that isn’t agreed with. When I’m dealing with much bigger issues in my personal life? Yeah, there’s a reason the old me always stays bubbling under the surface underneath me… …I do identify as a threat. There’s a reason for that. Please test that.  I don’t have any time for fake people in my life. And I absolutely refuse to be used. I’ll walk away. Especially when you threaten someone I care about. I don’t need this convention shit. It’s fun it’s a hobby but I’m not playing the politics any more than I did ten years ago. Period. 

As for anyone that disrespects me or try’s to take advantage of me, I’ve moved on from what I loved for things I love more… i won’t tolerate being taking advantage of from anyone. Not her. Not from someone I once thought was my freind. No one I’ll walk away first. I don’t care if this thing is popular, it’s also an emotional drain and it has its negative aspects. I walked away from money on the table ten years ago from it, what makes you think that I have any interest in something that doesn’t pay a cent and costs me money? Fuck off.  I will ride or die for my true friend’s. But fucking fair-weathers that only take advantage? You don’t live in my fucking world… you don’t know what I fucking deal with every day, you don’t get to fucking talk down to me or anyone I care about. that’s simply not happening. I’m popular sure, everyone loves me. But I still look into that mirror and see a monster. And I’m fucking fine with that. I’m good, you can love me, you can fucking hate me, I don’t...

Just because I want you and him in my life, doesn’t mean I want to give up everything at the expense of mine. For the life I have now I’ve fought, skinned and crawled in my knees for years to do the right thing… I’ve earned the fun I’m having in my forced retirement. However. I’ll throw it all way for just one day with my son. That’s the priority and the plan.  We need to fix this. There’s only so much time left and there is an enforced schedule. I can’t continue to play this game until I’m dead and old. I’m old enough as it is. Twenty five years is the defining point where we either get back together or i walk away.  It’s as simple as that. I want you in my life. But if it comes down to it I can live without you. I have for the last twenty years. It’s him I can’t live without. But I understand and acknowledge your request, but like every thing else in my life, I only ever do things in my terms.  And either you deal with that and wait or i walk away for the last time… jus...

I need to protect my little family. It isn’t an option anymore. I need to be there before something else happens. This is not allowed. If i need to go back to war. I can do that to heal those that I love the most. I have no illusions to what I am. I never have. But I know that all that anger and hurt can be focused when needed to protect those I love. This is one of those moments. Time to put it to work.  I am desperately trying to hold on to the little bit of peace that I have fucking earned… but if it means a good man goes back to war to protect those that I love most, I’m good with that too. Id rather they have peace than me, that’s what this is has always been about. Doing the right thing by them, especially my son. The rules keep changing but at the end of the day I’ll go to my grave knowing that in every moment I went into things thinking I did the right thing in the moment.  I just wish that things we’re different and that we could have found a lot of this lost time bac...

  I never wanted to be your enemy. I never will be again. At some core inside you, you’ve always known. I think that you know that you are the person I love most. We just got lost along the way. We were broken baby. But I’m not the one that broke you. And you weren’t the one that broke me. We just let the world get in the way, instead of it being just three of us against the world it should have fucking been. I am happy and at peace in my life. You haven’t caught up yet. If i can help you catch up, maybe we can go back to whatever we once had. I’m trying, I’ve been trying for years. I made a promise. Not one I’m going ever going to stop trying to fulfill. I owe her that. I owe you that. I owe him that. I’ll always be here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.  I just want the two people in my life I love most on my wild adventures together with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That’s all I’ll ever want. Part of having eidetic memory is I’m forever aware and  haunted by our ...

A hero will sacrifice the girl they love to save the world, but a villain will burn the world to the ground to save the girl he loves. I don’t know where this is leading. But it is leading somewhere. And any choices I make in the immediate future I am making for me and my little family alone.  That’s the way it has to be. She will be respected. And I was never the enemy here. That’s becoming very clear.  Someone else is. I will be there for them, and I will be damned if I ever let them be hurt again. I should have been there in the first place. It’s not a want anymore. I need to be there to protect my little family. Without question, I never should have been forced out of our little blue house. Now destroyed. Id have never let it get into that condition. But it’s obvious with hindsight two decades who the real problems are. We have limited time left on this earth. Id like whatever is left spent with the two of you. This is the last Dance, either I fall or I stand for the ones ...

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Harrasing and threatening my child? Are you fucking kidding me, the fact that you are my child’s blood, that has no meaning. The way you treat him and his mother has ever bearing on me and how you and people like you destroyed my relationship with my little family. You should have not interfered. I have spent years angry at the wrong person while also suspecting the root cause. Now I’m completely sure if it. Im also sure that I’m not afraid of getting my metal covered hands dirty. I was willing once upon a time to do two years less a day over most precious blood. Prison holds no illusions for me. If it means I go down protecting what means the most to me. I’m good with that.  I’m going to hell for the things I have not done. Biggest amongst that is the fact that I wasn’t there when they needed me most. But you will not hurt them the way you have the past two decades. I’m a villian and an outlaw, I don’t give a fuck if i go down hard protecting them. But if I go down hard. I’m takin...

Do not awaken the demon within. I know i am the devil. I have no problem unleashing hell. I have no illusions about where I end up at the end. I may end up in Hell, I welcome it. But I’ll have ended up there for the right reasons. I know I’m a sinner and I will never fucking repent. But there’s two things here. I never hurt an innocent and I only went after those that deserved it. I’ve left a lot of damaged people in my wake. But anyone I’ve hurt minus one who it wasn’t my actions that damaged him deserved it.  My problem is that the demon and devil inside me will always choose to destroy himself before he intentionally hurts anyone else without cause. However, I leave a lot of collateral damage in my wake… I’m aware of that. If you’re around me, there’s a good chance you get hurt, or you fade away…  At the end of the day I sleep soundly, knowing I never hurt anyone intentionally and I’m not the one haunted by my actions over these last 2+ decades… something to ponder. Why you...

I have enough two faced people in my personal Life. This costume shit or not I don’t need any more. I walked away from conventions with money on the fucking table with my store. I have no problem doing so with something I do for free. It’s fun but it doesn’t define me. Esp when I’m being used by someone who is attacking things I hold dear and attacking my personal beliefs. I don’t do toxic and negative people. It’s time to be out. I treasure my mental health more than my multiple hobbies and this is one I no longer I need anymore.  I have enough selfish self absorbed people I have to deal with in my real life on a regular basis. I don’t need plastic fucking con people people putting me on as well. And trust me i can read you fuckers like a phone book. You’re really easy to tell how fake you are. And the lot of you are fake with no soul or emotion. Everything I do is with soul and emotion. Sometimes even Love.  One thing I don’t tolerate is hate and racism from anyone. And when...

I am that child. I am the biological son of darkness. I’m not sad he’s dead and gone. But the sons of the father should never have been bestowed on the son and I’ll be dammed if my son is painted with the same brush from a betrayer in his own maternal side of the family.  I don’t mind going down. It’s part of my life. I fall, I rise I rebuild. I’m a fucking Phoenix, just ask my patronus. But he deserved better. He deserves better. I’ll spend the rest of my life playing this game with his mother if I have to do one day he has better.  But I’ll be damned if I let any one esp a family Member demean or destroy him. There are very few things in this world I will fall upon my sword for. Much less multiple times. This is one of them. I don’t mind being destroyed. I always come back better. Harder.  You might have destroyed her. I know all of this played a part in destroying me agian and agian. I will not let my darkness and the darkness in that family tree destroy him. I’ll go o...