Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

The bats have left the bell tower.  And another chapter in my life ends. One with more negatives than positives. Same reasons as the last time I was associated with anything other than myself. At least the last time I left something like this I was walking away from money. This time, I am walking away from exactly fucking nothing of value. All it ever was, it was an albatross around my neck. It started bad and it ended quietly. With the same quiet knives of jealousy in my back that had always been there. At least when I’m an asshole I’ll come at you directly with a fucking rhinoceros in a China shop attitude. I don’t hide behind others and I stand behind the words I say. I don’t apologize because it’s a sign of weakness. And I don’t care, because I have bigger things in my life and my world than this. I walked away from all this when it made me money and miserable. Now all it does is make me miserable. There’s no reason for me to continue and I don’t do plastic two faced people. At...

If anyone thinks they can take advantage of me and the people I care about, they are sadly mistaken. I walk away from people I love because of their bullshit. Someone who is merely there in my life? Yeah, I’m fucking out. I don’t need emotional vampires that suck me dry in my life. I will walk away from anything and everything at this point. I no longer give a damn about anything other than myself when it comes to your opinion.  This decision and many others have been a long fucking time coming and to be honest I’m better off doing my own thing alone and solo. Because it’s better off for all involved. There’s still a temper and there is still the old me hidden underneath this attempt at seeking peace. I’m not a nice guy, I’ve never claimed to be a nice guy. And I’m not keeping my fucking mouth shut.  No one fucking uses me, Period. And thats all I’ve felt I’ve been over the last few years. By a number of people in my professional life and my personal life. So maybe at this mom...

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact.  You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family.  Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...

I don’t lack for companionship or freinds. I can be with whoever I want. Why am I going to chase anyone anymore is beyond me, I have a fun life and I do fun things… why care if I have a past that once upon a time I wanted to go back to and fix a fractured fucking fairy tale. I have better options.  I don’t care at the end of the day about anyone being in my life because let’s be honest no one has my back except myself. You’d think if you truly loved me you’d be around instead of playing games for 25 years. I deserve better, I’ve always deserved better. And now when my life is better for the lack of you being in it, I’m not regretting the fact you’ve managed to push yourself away agian. That’s on you, it’s gone from apathy, to anger to nothingness. All you’ve managed to do my entire life you’ve been involved in it is attempt to control me and keep me trapped in a place where I would simply need to depend on you. I’ve been on my own over thirty years… I didn’t need you before then, I...

If you fuck with my freinds and family I will hunt you down and deal with you. Currently Dealing with that in stereo has not been fun esp with it all in my head as well.  I have no issues shutting down and going quiet until Things go over and are dealt with.  If I’m fucking willing to give up what I care about most to help deal with this situation you better bet your ass I will make sure that it is followed through to the very end. I’m a not a nice person, and I’m not a very good person either. I know where I stand when it comes to protecting my family and friend’s tho. I’ll be smart and careful about it but I’m strong enough to take the fall. And I know who to ask for back up. 

When you attack a person that actively supports me being with you because those are my choices and my emotions even tho she has her reservations about it, it’s not fair that you get to attack her and use her against me.  I’ll never allow you to attack my friend’s. It’s part of why we aren’t together. You can’t deal with the fact I have platonic non sexual femaleFreinds. Fucks sakes I grew up in a single parent home with my mom and sisters… why can’t I have female freinds? Because of your jealousy? You play that card I go radio silent. I don’t care even if you’ve put the carrot on the fish hook. I love him, with all my heart. Some days I even do the same for you. But you’re not going to control me and tell me what to do, that’s why it fell apart in the first place and you destroyed my life for the first time.. all that social isolation. And then you discarded me like a used toy. Like I was nothing. Now you want me to abandon some of the people that helped me Pick up the pieces? No. ...

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me.  I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period. 

Just because I’ll always be there for you doesn’t mean I have to like or enjoy whatever this is. A lot of the times I don’t like it. And I don’t even like you. But I love you both and I have responsibilities to you, and that trumps me being angry or upset with you.  We hurt, we are always going to hurt.  You are jealous of everything I do. And everything both of us do is just another fucking move on the chess board. Except here’s the problem, I’m the rook and the knight and I move to protect my little king, but you are sitting there on the opposite side of the board waiting for Prince Charming to capture the queen. Except I’m not wearing a white hat, you’ve made me the villain in your story, so I embrace it and become the villain. I’m always best when I’m wearing the black hat and being the bad guy. But this isnt about me and you, it never has been, it’s about that little king, all grown up. I have to think about how my actions and behaviours affect him. That’s the priority. S...

Why do you do things only to take them away? Are u trying to salt the wound and control me? You let me have a ray of hope and then you break me down to fucking nothing.  I’m sick of talking about future planning and changing things and then you slam the door shut after giving me a little daylight. Just because I’m always going to be here. Doesn’t mean I have to always like it I don’t. I do things unconditionally because I love you and more importantly I love him. But you could never control me, and you’re never going to be able to control me. Don’t tell me what to do when your not ready for me to come home.  I have my own life, made without you. No one is gonna tell me who to associate with. I have people I care about in my life, that have had my back the whole time in the wilderness. But because you are jealous. I can’t have a social life or friends. Every girl is a threat. No. They aren’t. Just because I place you first doesn’t mean I don’t have options or people that care a...

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

When I am being manipulated by people I’m not even sure that I fucking respect in a way that may affect those I care about, there is a good fucking chance I will withdraw and pretend that you don’t fucking exist. I have never had a fucking problem with casting anyone out of my life that serves no fucking purpose. I’m starting to consider this with some people who are merely in orbit.  It’s not the usual suspect either. I’m just sick of being treated like a throwaway commodity instead of a useful freind. I just lost one of my good freinds and it cut deep. I don’t need any fake or fairweather fucking freinds. If your actions affect me it is one thing, if your actions affect more than me it’s completely another. If you hurt someone I care about, here’s a fucking fact. I don’t care about myself. I’m fucking done playing nice. Affecting me is one thing. Affecting those I care about or hurting one of them, I’ll gladly take the bullet.  If you give me a reason to show my fucking dark...

It’s been 12 years and I’m still driven to tears thinking about you. This has been the burden of my lifetime. And knowing that if I had been there something might have changed. This is the sin that earned me damnation. I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I failed your daughter and your grandson. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. I should have tried harder to be in their lives when she pushed me away.  I’m haunted by that night and my absence. I always will be. I should have been better. I should have been there. I will keep my promise to you. No matter what it takes. And you will never be forgotten. One day I will till him myself how much we loved you, How much we still love you. I will always be there for your daughter, I have to be.  I loved you, you were one of the first people to love me unconditionally. I will always do the same for Jennifer and Joshua. I don’t care what it takes. One day I will fix what went wrong. Even if it takes till my last day. That’s the promise I mad...

I just lost a friend. I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel right now. I guess I’ll just treasure the moments we had hanging out and the conversations that we had. Getting old sucks. I’m sick of the laundry list of people that I’ve lost, and knowing I’ll be the last one standing for those that I love most. I am sick of being strong, and responsible. I was always the one fucking up. Why does the weight of the world fall upon me now to do the right thing? I’m not a good person, I just want to do what’s right by my friend’s and those I love. This one is going to haunt me for a while… I’m going to allow it to. 

I am fine on my own. I don’t need friends or people around me especially people that use me. I had enough of that growing up and enough of being manipulated into my teenage years. I am fiercely independent for a fucking reason. No one controls my destiny. It’s entirely mine. I get to have fun and do things on my terms. Period. Always.  Anyone trying to control me or tell me what to do with anything in my life is going to fall and fail badly. Because I don’t do authority, I don’t play nice and no one tells me and my loved ones what the fuck to do.  I don’t do control. And anyone that thinks that’s they can influence me in any specific direction is about to fail and fall. Attacking those I care about? Might want to sit and reflect on who I am, esp in the Niagara Falls community. I don’t care. It’s part of my charm. And I will always choose those I care about over someone merely in my fucking orbit.  You offer nothing I can’t do on my own. And it’s time for me to be doing it...

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions.  And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block.  I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

I enjoy the life and friends I have now. The music part of my life has always been there and indulged even when I had nothing I was able to have a metal magazine and a few tapes from the local record store. The fact 30 plus years on I’m still following some of those bands and still having fun with the music scene I was once a bigger part of in my younger years, it shows me that the good parts of me within, they aren’t all gone. And the music that helped me deal with a lot maybe isn’t very nice, but neither am I.  Id rather have a heavy life and look angry than pretend to be at peace when I’m not. I tried to be that person for many many years and had very little outlets to unbottle all the darkness inside. Now I’m free, and at peace, and I can always go to a show to figure out all the shit in my head. And it is a place where i expend energy and some of the darkness fades.  The main reason I persist and endure in the metal and punk scenes I belong to is because there is no drama...

This has seriously been an interesting moment in my life. Being shouted down because I have an opinion that isn’t agreed with. When I’m dealing with much bigger issues in my personal life? Yeah, there’s a reason the old me always stays bubbling under the surface underneath me… …I do identify as a threat. There’s a reason for that. Please test that.  I don’t have any time for fake people in my life. And I absolutely refuse to be used. I’ll walk away. Especially when you threaten someone I care about. I don’t need this convention shit. It’s fun it’s a hobby but I’m not playing the politics any more than I did ten years ago. Period. 

As for anyone that disrespects me or try’s to take advantage of me, I’ve moved on from what I loved for things I love more… i won’t tolerate being taking advantage of from anyone. Not her. Not from someone I once thought was my freind. No one I’ll walk away first. I don’t care if this thing is popular, it’s also an emotional drain and it has its negative aspects. I walked away from money on the table ten years ago from it, what makes you think that I have any interest in something that doesn’t pay a cent and costs me money? Fuck off.  I will ride or die for my true friend’s. But fucking fair-weathers that only take advantage? You don’t live in my fucking world… you don’t know what I fucking deal with every day, you don’t get to fucking talk down to me or anyone I care about. that’s simply not happening. I’m popular sure, everyone loves me. But I still look into that mirror and see a monster. And I’m fucking fine with that. I’m good, you can love me, you can fucking hate me, I don’t...

Just because I want you and him in my life, doesn’t mean I want to give up everything at the expense of mine. For the life I have now I’ve fought, skinned and crawled in my knees for years to do the right thing… I’ve earned the fun I’m having in my forced retirement. However. I’ll throw it all way for just one day with my son. That’s the priority and the plan.  We need to fix this. There’s only so much time left and there is an enforced schedule. I can’t continue to play this game until I’m dead and old. I’m old enough as it is. Twenty five years is the defining point where we either get back together or i walk away.  It’s as simple as that. I want you in my life. But if it comes down to it I can live without you. I have for the last twenty years. It’s him I can’t live without. But I understand and acknowledge your request, but like every thing else in my life, I only ever do things in my terms.  And either you deal with that and wait or i walk away for the last time… jus...

I need to protect my little family. It isn’t an option anymore. I need to be there before something else happens. This is not allowed. If i need to go back to war. I can do that to heal those that I love the most. I have no illusions to what I am. I never have. But I know that all that anger and hurt can be focused when needed to protect those I love. This is one of those moments. Time to put it to work.  I am desperately trying to hold on to the little bit of peace that I have fucking earned… but if it means a good man goes back to war to protect those that I love most, I’m good with that too. Id rather they have peace than me, that’s what this is has always been about. Doing the right thing by them, especially my son. The rules keep changing but at the end of the day I’ll go to my grave knowing that in every moment I went into things thinking I did the right thing in the moment.  I just wish that things we’re different and that we could have found a lot of this lost time bac...

  I never wanted to be your enemy. I never will be again. At some core inside you, you’ve always known. I think that you know that you are the person I love most. We just got lost along the way. We were broken baby. But I’m not the one that broke you. And you weren’t the one that broke me. We just let the world get in the way, instead of it being just three of us against the world it should have fucking been. I am happy and at peace in my life. You haven’t caught up yet. If i can help you catch up, maybe we can go back to whatever we once had. I’m trying, I’ve been trying for years. I made a promise. Not one I’m going ever going to stop trying to fulfill. I owe her that. I owe you that. I owe him that. I’ll always be here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.  I just want the two people in my life I love most on my wild adventures together with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That’s all I’ll ever want. Part of having eidetic memory is I’m forever aware and  haunted by our ...

A hero will sacrifice the girl they love to save the world, but a villain will burn the world to the ground to save the girl he loves. I don’t know where this is leading. But it is leading somewhere. And any choices I make in the immediate future I am making for me and my little family alone.  That’s the way it has to be. She will be respected. And I was never the enemy here. That’s becoming very clear.  Someone else is. I will be there for them, and I will be damned if I ever let them be hurt again. I should have been there in the first place. It’s not a want anymore. I need to be there to protect my little family. Without question, I never should have been forced out of our little blue house. Now destroyed. Id have never let it get into that condition. But it’s obvious with hindsight two decades who the real problems are. We have limited time left on this earth. Id like whatever is left spent with the two of you. This is the last Dance, either I fall or I stand for the ones ...

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Harrasing and threatening my child? Are you fucking kidding me, the fact that you are my child’s blood, that has no meaning. The way you treat him and his mother has ever bearing on me and how you and people like you destroyed my relationship with my little family. You should have not interfered. I have spent years angry at the wrong person while also suspecting the root cause. Now I’m completely sure if it. Im also sure that I’m not afraid of getting my metal covered hands dirty. I was willing once upon a time to do two years less a day over most precious blood. Prison holds no illusions for me. If it means I go down protecting what means the most to me. I’m good with that.  I’m going to hell for the things I have not done. Biggest amongst that is the fact that I wasn’t there when they needed me most. But you will not hurt them the way you have the past two decades. I’m a villian and an outlaw, I don’t give a fuck if i go down hard protecting them. But if I go down hard. I’m takin...

Do not awaken the demon within. I know i am the devil. I have no problem unleashing hell. I have no illusions about where I end up at the end. I may end up in Hell, I welcome it. But I’ll have ended up there for the right reasons. I know I’m a sinner and I will never fucking repent. But there’s two things here. I never hurt an innocent and I only went after those that deserved it. I’ve left a lot of damaged people in my wake. But anyone I’ve hurt minus one who it wasn’t my actions that damaged him deserved it.  My problem is that the demon and devil inside me will always choose to destroy himself before he intentionally hurts anyone else without cause. However, I leave a lot of collateral damage in my wake… I’m aware of that. If you’re around me, there’s a good chance you get hurt, or you fade away…  At the end of the day I sleep soundly, knowing I never hurt anyone intentionally and I’m not the one haunted by my actions over these last 2+ decades… something to ponder. Why you...

I have enough two faced people in my personal Life. This costume shit or not I don’t need any more. I walked away from conventions with money on the fucking table with my store. I have no problem doing so with something I do for free. It’s fun but it doesn’t define me. Esp when I’m being used by someone who is attacking things I hold dear and attacking my personal beliefs. I don’t do toxic and negative people. It’s time to be out. I treasure my mental health more than my multiple hobbies and this is one I no longer I need anymore.  I have enough selfish self absorbed people I have to deal with in my real life on a regular basis. I don’t need plastic fucking con people people putting me on as well. And trust me i can read you fuckers like a phone book. You’re really easy to tell how fake you are. And the lot of you are fake with no soul or emotion. Everything I do is with soul and emotion. Sometimes even Love.  One thing I don’t tolerate is hate and racism from anyone. And when...

I am that child. I am the biological son of darkness. I’m not sad he’s dead and gone. But the sons of the father should never have been bestowed on the son and I’ll be dammed if my son is painted with the same brush from a betrayer in his own maternal side of the family.  I don’t mind going down. It’s part of my life. I fall, I rise I rebuild. I’m a fucking Phoenix, just ask my patronus. But he deserved better. He deserves better. I’ll spend the rest of my life playing this game with his mother if I have to do one day he has better.  But I’ll be damned if I let any one esp a family Member demean or destroy him. There are very few things in this world I will fall upon my sword for. Much less multiple times. This is one of them. I don’t mind being destroyed. I always come back better. Harder.  You might have destroyed her. I know all of this played a part in destroying me agian and agian. I will not let my darkness and the darkness in that family tree destroy him. I’ll go o...

Forgiven, it doesn’t mean forgotten. Never will mean that. I’m enjoying the silence right now because it means I can live my life and do epic shit. Without the shadow of you in the background.  I have had a good life and have had adventures, but all of that has been without my son. And all of that will never be forgotten. That was your choice. Always your selfish decision. Once upon a time I may have needed you in my life, that time is far behind. This year is the breaking point. I think I’ve always known  That.  I cannot spend the rest of my life missing you and my son. And most days I only miss him, you and I, it’s only tragic circumstances and a trauma bond that has been around since the beginning and a promise I refuse to break as to why I’m still trying. But if you had asked me that fourteen fucking years ago I wouldn’t have cared. I would have still hated you for what you took away and destroyed.  This year is the final end game. It has to be. Worst case I walk...

I am a soldier without a war. A warrior without something to fight. I am at peace and I’ve laid my weapons down only as long as those I love are not threatened. But, I may be a man of peace now. And I may be at peace now. But this what I wanted for you when I stopped fighting. You’re lives shouldn’t have been full of the strife that mine seems to always have been full of. I pulled away and stopped fighting to give you a chance when i should have stayed more involved.  Welcome to the peace Field. It’s a question. As always of what the fuck happens next. I am a still a weapon, I just need a direction. Point me in the right direction and set Me off. But that not what I want for you and your mother. You deserve the peace I have. So does she. I don’t know if I’m that. But you both deserve better than this.  My dark side lays dormant, it’s not dead. But I don’t want it exposed to those that I love. They have experienced too much of it. But my dark side is better because it’s honest ...

A hero will sacrifice the person they love to save the world, but a villain will sacrifice the world to save the person they love most. Things haven’t changed. I don’t care if your extended family or not. It doesn’t matter where  I stand with her and more importantly him. You attack or cause my family strife, I’m still here in the shadow. And I am still the fucking villain, and I am still the darkness within the fucking shadows. The darkness within me is dormant not dead. And if you hurt one of them, especially my most precious blood, expect me to spill yours. I’ve never faded away permanently, I’ve just tried to be the ghost and the shadow to protect that which I care about most. But if needed the warrior and the demon still lies within. And this demon still has some teeth. Ive been a shadow presence the entire time of my sons life and there are things I need to think about and evaluate very carefully. But if I need to I can be the wrath of god, and I wont come alone.  I will...

I haven’t given up,  but there are days that hit harder than most and remind me of who I am and who I was, and why in moments my life changes over and over again. I know that sometimes those changes are bad and sometimes those changes are good. But the decision is always mine on how a man ends whatever moment in his life I am currently at. I’m choosing the moment I’m in right now as I have for the last four years because sometimes something’s gotta be more important than my needs and wants, a hard lesson I learned the hard way multiple times. But it was learned.  My life is an improvement because I’m not longer chasing vapours pretending to be something I’m not, or someone I once was that was stripped from me completely because of someone’s petty jealousy. Well watch my life now, the jealousy is deserved. I was always a rock star, now I’m just living like one. But the reality is I come home and all that is stripped from me, I know what my probities and responsibilities are and...

I can ruin my life all on my own. I don’t need anyones help. This next while is going to be a period of reflection and insight while I decide the next step of whatever the fuck i am going to do. I am choosing the life I should have had all along and I feel no guilt and give no fucks if I leave anyone hanging in my wake. Maybe if some had respected me more I wouldn’t be willing to steamroll my past lives and be whatever my current life is becoming. The saddest part is some of these people I’ve shared my life with over the years wouldn’t have have such shit lives with me involved in them, but betray me once… you are dead to me. There’s only one person I make an exception for that and I can keep pulling out the knives from my back from her. But people who aren’t good people can’t expect to do bad things and have good lives. I’m used to be broken and a misfit and loner. But I like my own life and my people. I’ll always figure out my own way and do cool things. Either follow beside me or fu...

I break rules, I’m a rule breaker. This is how I live my life. I’m not real big on conformity. If you had my life why would you see any reason to colour within the lines and be a peaceful Member of society? I have fun and do stuff. I’ve never had what one would consider a normal life, why in the hell would I want to start one now? I’m not real big on conformity, my life thrives on chaos, even in a time I have some form of peace in my life, I still need my moments like these heavy metal shows I’m constantly at to remind me that at my core I’m still me, and to release some of the aggro and aggression o bottle up to keep those around me and those I care about safe.  Doing things on my own terms rather than changing to trying to be the person someone else wanted is so much easier than changing to fit into a mold that I thought was wanted 25 years ago.  That road only lead to chaos and pain anyways. I’m so much better being me, and letting peace lead me than chasing it. 

I am a ghost and a spectre in a lot of peoples lives that I have touched. Some I shouldn’t be, and some I have willingly walked away for my own mental health. I’m starting to get to that point with many things in my life agian. I thought it would be easier to live a simple life and just have fun but I think it’s harder than when I worked my face off as a father. At least then my enemies didn’t pretend to be my freinds and the world wasn’t falling apart slowly. Just my world.  I think I prefer whatever that was then compared to what the world is now. I have my own life and adventures and I don’t need anyone that doesn’t want or need to be in my life. I have fun with what I do and don’t let negative sources affect my life. If you’re gonna drag me down, I’ll be gone. That’s how it works.  You’re not going to disturb my fucking peace. That’s what the metal shows are for. That is anger’s release. Plus to have fun. 

The issues at home are still there. I’m trying to fix them but it is burying me under the fucking weight.  I don’t pretend to be a bad boy or a hardass. I have had a difficult life as has those that I care for. Some of that is our own decisions and some of that is a twist of fate. However, I will act to protect the little I own. Primary amongst that is my own mental health. I’m making some new choices so I’m not constantly angry and aggressive towards people and more than that I’m not doing things that cause me physical pain. It’s time for me to change from being nice and polite and happy with the world agian.  I’m at peace. It doesn’t mean I have to be anyones fucking doormat. In fact that is the complete opposite. It’s probably time for me to show some teeth agian and be a mean old miserable person. I mean everyone already thinks I am. Might as well go back to it.  I have my own problems and I don’t need others problems invading them and creating more issues for me. It’...

When I decide to burn a bridge I fucking dynamite it, there is no looking back or forgiveness because when I destroy something it stays destroyed. I don’t just burn the bridge I annihilate it. And i do it with no remorse and no regret. I’m a fucking Phoenix and always have been. I’m an agent of chaos not order and I destroy things it’s in my nature. When I choose to do it deliberately look out. There may be collateral damage, but at this point I don’t care or give a damn. There is already collateral damage on my side. It’s just karma if it affects someone else negatively too. Burn it all down, I’ve always had a scorched earth policy because it’s easy to start over with nothing. Than to use people or even still have them in my life when I don’t like or respect them. Just gone and fire and burn. Napalm destroys everything.  I only like or respect those that are good to me and have proved there loyalty when I have nothing to offer. When i feel used or am being used I will walk the fuc...

I don’t get used, and I don’t like feeling like I’ve been used for doing something I enjoy. This is why it’s done. This is now affecting my health and my actual family. It’s better for me and my mental health to stick to me and my crew with this con bullshit anyways. That’s always the way it worked even back in 13 to 15 before I got fed up and quit the last time. This time I think it’ll eventually be for keeps. I’m done playing politics with peons that have no idea who I am in real life. Fuck off. I don’t need you.  I am completely at peace with this decision and I actually think it’s better for me than anything I have done with thing. It was nice finally do a non toy con in the actual city I was born in and spent my formative adult years in but honestly. One and done. I don’t need this anymore. There are too many emotional vampires involved in it sucking out my positive energy. And I don’t need that.  I won’t be talked down to by anyone least of all someone I consider a starf...

Ever get the feeling your a prisoner of your own creations? I did something to be fun and now it feels like I’m weighted down in the deep end as a result. I’m not drowning for anyone else. I have real problems in my life involving my loved ones. I don’t have time to deal with people who are just adjecent to whatever I’m doing in my life.  It’s time to not be angry, to not let emotions over take. It’s walk away time. Just let bygones be bygones and move on… it’s not the first time, it won’t be the last. 

I've wined and dined with kings and queens and I've slept in alleys and dined on pork and beans. It’s time to be Done. I’m done with drama. I’m done with bullshit. I don’t need anyone in my life using me. Not as an emotional support animal and not as cheap labour because I’m a popular character. It’s just time to be absolutely done with it. I have my hobbies and I have my life. I don’t need anyone being ungrateful and making me Miserable. I have enough of that in my life.  I have good freinds and good family. That’s all I need. I don’t need to be a rock star or a white dwarf starlet. I’m not a starfucker. I never have been. I just dont care. People are people. But if I’m made to feel like less than nothing it’s time to move on, and I feel very low after Working very hard this weekend. Some people are just ungrateful. I have a life and I’m low key windsor, con and toronto hamilton metal and indy scene famous all on my own. I don’t need any one else’s help to be me. I don’t want ...

I am happy and have had a good weekend seeing friend’s and family around the biggest Wwe event that toronto has had for a while. I’m actually starting to be comfortable in my own skin about the shadow that Skydome looms in my life and particularly my past. But I’m not going to let that darkness affect the fun and good people that I have in my life.  I did for others long enough. I do for me now. I’m happy just doing for whoever’s currently in my fuckin orbit. I don’t need anyone in my life in any kind of matter that doesn’t want to be there. I’m having fun, living my life, and being fucking legendary.  I had a good time this weekend. 

I don’t have or want to care. You chose your own drama. I don’t have any drama in my life because I choose not to have any in my life. When I let drama into my life all I had was misery. Now all I have is good elements in my life, id rather have the life I have now than trying to live up to some bullshit ideal from two decades ago. I’m good with my life as it currently is.  I absolutely refuse to let you or anyone ruin my peace. Dealing with downtown bullshit is so high school but it is the person you are. And it is not the person I am. I live larger. And I’m half a generation removed from all these pathetic losers you associate with.  When I chose to be with you I had my own path. I have my own path now. I don’t need to deal with your failures and anger about the world. I have my own. I’ll deal with my own.  Because I have good things in my life too.

The war is over. The war has just begun. I don’t know what the reality of your life is anymore. I’m so used to the unreality of your shattered moments that I can’t figure out what the next step is anymore. And I’m pretty sure that everything you tell me is a half truth.  That being fucking said, anyone that threatens my child, will be dealt with accordingly. That goes beyond whatever this thing between you and i is. You need to grow up and stop living in that pathetic little world you claim to call home. I don’t have drama in my life other than you. There is a reason for that. It’s a choice. I walked away from the things that disturbed my peace a long long time ago.  You need to decide if we are a family in more than name only and stop pretending that you can deal with all this. Because you clearly can’t. I trusted you for years to do the right thing by my son and stood in the shadows because it was the right thing. But years after the war I’m just watching it all go fucking d...

I am here. I am not going anywhere. I know my life and my responsibilities. I just need us to be able to figure things out. I am invisible bin your life but I am still here. Maybe it’s time for the family ghost to make more of an appearance in your life. Maybe that’s not longer a question.  We have enough reasons to not be together maybe it’s time to question the reasons why we aren’t together and why we should be. I can’t keep being on the outside looking in.  I need a reason to be there and as it stands I do not have one to be there.  I can’t stay forever on the outside looking in. Something has to change. Time is running out. I am losing patience. I have been on the outside looking in in your orbit for 20 years because of your decisions. You and him simply being in my life isn’t good enough anymore. Not after two decades of us fighting. All or nothing works both ways.  It’s been twenty years since I made the decision to go to war. That’s completely on me.  Bu...

I am sick of just surviving so others in my life can be comfortable. If they make shitty decisions why should I be the one to fucking suffer. I need to be more agressive about myself in this coming year. Regardless of how I feel about people I think it’s fucking time that I make sure I make time and finances for me instead of this black fucking hole i constantly return to. Behaviours and attitudes have to change or I will make a major life change that won’t benefit anyone but me. Period.  Sometimes I have a right to be angry. Sometimes forgiveness and a walking away in seek of peace isn’t enough. You’re never going to allow me to truly be at peace and move on. Because you wont let me forget or allow this pain in my chest to ever fucking fade. So instead to deal with it, I choose to be angry. It’s an anger I can control.  One of the few things in our lives I can. That’s your damage. The only thing controlled in our worlds is how angry I get and how much I keep it bottled instea...

Remember, you’re here forever.  I’ve already been in this place half my life. And those are the years I consider the better ones of my life. We are broken, bruised and fractured and ruined. Nothing ever went right for us, the world got in the way. But the moments we do have are beautiful, and they are ours, no matter what happens, no matter what has happened. They can never take our moments away. They are locked away, in my head, in my heart… He was planned.  I don’t know the next step. I know we will play this game forever. It was nice to start a new year without you in my life. I haven’t had that since 2003. I know that I will love you forever. And I also know that you will never let me go anyways even if it turns to anger and malice once again. I thought I could live with it just being peace. But I don’t do peace. I do mayhem.  I have earned a fucking right to be distant and left alone. You don’t want me unless there is a drama and strife in your life. So you can have ...